The Adventures of NTAG
by Leah Socks
Summary: Welcome to the topsy-turvy world of NTAG. Cheese and celery are considered ammunition, the house is regularly blown up with explosives, and the Off-Key Sisters are a huge hit. The Twilight Zone has nothing on us.
1. Leah's Arrival

**The Adventures of NTAG**

Leah's Arrival

**Disclaimer: I don't own Neopets or any of its characters—even if I **_**am**_** one of them**

"Mom, you have to do this," a Kacheek pleaded to her mother.

"The know-it-all is right, Leah," the red Shoyru beside her said. "The guild you're in now is pushing up daisies. Smelly, ugly daisies."

"That's easier said than done. Every guild I've joined so far has become inactive after the first few months. I don't want to trap myself in that again," said their owner in angst.

"Then join a guild that's been around for a while. A guild that's been active for years," the young Kacheek suggested.

This seemed to open new ideas to Leah's mind, which was inexplicably vacant until then.

"Dear Din, you're right, Velria!" she exclaimed.

"What about NTAG?" the Shoyru suggested.

"What _about_ a tag?"

"NTAG. It stands for the Neopian Times Appreciation Guild. Weren't you paying attention when we were searching for guilds?"

"We were searching for guilds?"

"Oh yeah!" Velria remembered. "That guild's been active for about four years. That's a good start, Veltru."

"Neopian Times Appreciation, huh? Sounds like my kind of crowd," said Leah.

"Then it's settled," Velria proclaimed, grinning.

"Wait a smidgen!" snapped Leah. "I never even got to say goodbye to my old guild."

"You'd be talking to the wall, Leah. Let's go," Veltru grumbled.

Much complaints and a high dose of tranquilizer later, Veltru and Velria succeeded in dragging Leah to the Lenny Library by her feet. The NTAG guild house was enormous, and boasted the appearance of a mansion. It clearly housed at least hundreds of members.

"I don't know guys...With all of those members, I may not be welcome. What if I feel uncomfortable?"

"Shut up, no one cares," Veltru mumbled.

"...Fine. But if I get even a glimpse of it being boring I'm going back."

But her pets knew better. Knowing Leah almost never went on her own word, they agreed and headed toward the entrance of the NTAG house. The door was locked, however, as it is with all people who try to come in a message board without proper membership. A rectangular device hugged the outside of the door. Leah had done this numerous times, much to her displeasure. She handed the box her now blank guild card. Within a few seconds, the box spat out the card with all of her guild info on it.

"Name: leah underscore 51293. Rank: Subscriber. Posts: 0. Joined: 12/9/05," Leah read aloud from her membership card.

"Let's go in, then," said Velria.

They opened the double doors and stopped in the doorway. At that moment, several dozen things were happening all at once. Cheese and celery were being chucked everywhere, people were severely tackling each other, some screamed "ROFFLE!" and "It splashes!", a ray gun zapped several others and changed their gender, and four girls were singing (terribly off-key) to the rest of the guild members. The family stood there in the doorway gaping at the situation in front of them. Before Leah knew it, her form was shifting dramatically. A swirl of colors and light morphed her into a...white Weewoo.

"Uh, why do I feel shorter?" Leah asked in a slightly more high-pitched voice.

"What is this here?" a mischievous voice said behind them. Leah pivoted around and came face-to-face with a blue Shoyru. The female Neopet gripped a cheese mallet and had a wide grin. "A Weewoo that has not been subjected to my cheese mallet? We must fix this problem immediately."

"I'm not a bird!" Leah bellowed. The Shoyru gasped and checked to see if she wasn't going insane. However, this was probably the most futile thing ever, since sanity was not welcome in the house.

"Did you just talk?"

"Of course I did! What do I look like, a Petpet?"

"Am I supposed to answer that honestly?"

Leah blinked for a few moments and then looked down at her body. She gave out a shriek that almost sounded like a chirp.

"Ah, I see, you're a new member. Welcome to NTAG!" she declared

"Wait, wait, wait, wait...wait. You mean you're a member too? But you're a Shoyru."

"That's the effect of the NTAG house. You become whatever you set your mind to. In my case I'm a blue Shoyru. With a cheese mallet. What could be better? Oh, dear me. Have my manners gone with all the dynamite? My name's Nano. I was gone for a while, but now I'm back to greet all my old friends again."

"Why were you gone?"

"...My account was frozen."

Leah stared at the Shoyru with concern. "Oh...sorry."

"Don't be, I'm okay with it. You learn from your mistakes, right?"

"I guess. By the way, I'm Leah. And, I'm not going to lie, but this is the biggest house I've ever been in."

"We have many rooms for special occasions. Take, for example, the washroom. The washroom is where you learn something so awful or unsanitary you must surgically remove your brain and leave it in a washer. If it needs deep cleansing there's some elbow-grease techniques for that, but as a newbie to the guild, you shouldn't be too disturbed." Nano paused and thought about what she just said. "Um...scratch that last part. Anyway, I'm going to the lounge. See ya 'round!" Nano flew off toward the staircase.

It wasn't until now Leah noticed her pets were nowhere to be seen.

"Oh snaps. Veltru? Velria?" the Weewoo cried out as she searched the Grand Hall. She bumped into a water faerie and let out another chirp.

The faerie gasped. "Hey! Watch where you're goi—Oh! I'm sorry! What's your name?"

"..."

"By the way, have I seen you before? I've never met any Weewoo members around NTAG."

"..."

"Well, from the way you're looking at me I can tell you're new. I'm Belle, the guild's official Water Faerie."

"..."

"Not much of a talker, are you?"

"...I'm Leah."

"Welcome to NTAG, Leah," Belle said, grinning.

"I'm responsible for all the water creature transformations in NTAG. I'm doing something special for the holidays, so I'll call you and everyone back here this afternoon, 'kay? Take care," The water faerie then went to another side of the house to chat.

"Well, that was an odd eight seconds. Oh, yeah, where have my demon children wandered?" The Weewoo wondered aloud as she approached the stairs. She hopped from stair to stair in a failed attempt to get to the next floor.

"You might want to try flying, dear."

The Weewoo looked up to see a girl smiling at the struggling bird.

"Flying? I've tried flying. Apparently there's more to it then just flapping your wings."

"It's like riding a bicycle, I suppose. Say, are you a new member?"

"Yeah. I'm Leah," She stated.

"Welcome, Leah! I'm Slamina." Then, much to Leah's surprise/dismay/vital organs, Slamina stood on the top stair and dive-tackled her. They bounced across the long stairs until they painfully hit the bottom.

"WHAT IN TED STEPHEN'S NAME DID YOU DO THAT FOR?" Leah shouted.

"That is a glomp. When you glomp someone, you hug them so hard you tackle them. The more pain a glomp brings, the better the glomp is."

"Well, that's great as far as that goes. But in case you didn't notice I wanted to go upstairs."

"No problem, I'll just carry you."

Despite the Weewoo's desire to choke Slamina with her bare feet, she had seen other people do this and figured it just was a part of showing affection in the guild. When they reached the top floor, Belle just so happened to be there and granted Leah the knowledge of flight. And thus, the Weewoo's search for her pets continued. Further into exploration she found a room with several beanbags, game systems, and an HDTV. Nano and human member wearing a red hoodie were playing against each other in a game of Super Smash Bros. _Now _this_ is my kind of crowd, _Leah thought gladly. She flew on top of the blonde boy's head to get a better view.

"Nano, is that you again?" he asked.

"I'm the one playing against you, genius."

"Oh. Sorry, force of habit," he said as he swiped Leah of his head.

"Oh! That's Leah. She's my newbie, and I own her. Got that Sage? Mine. Not yours," growled Nano.

"The newbie of the guild, huh?" he said. He looked back at the screen and suddenly realized Nano had taken advantage of this and knocked his character off-screen.

"I win!" Nano yelled in triumph. She grabbed the cheese mallet she had left by her side and did a break dance on the floor.

"Oh, come on! That's the ninth time today," the boy protested, but took his attention back to Leah.

"I'm Sage. I'm uh…not really good at introductions…" he mumbled. In shyness, he hid under a pillow he had put at his side much like Nano had done. Leah, being herself, took this the wrong way and shrieked. She pulled out Boochi's ray gun from nowhere and zapped the pillow with it.

"My pillow!" Sage cried. He looked down at his baby pillow with mournful eyes. "What does everyone have against my pillow?"

"THAT PILLOW WAS NOT BORN OF MORTAL MEN! It came from an age of darkness when pillows could and did talk!"

"Talk? That's preposterous!" Sage declared, unaware that the pillow was now sticking its tongue out at the Shoyru and Weewoo. Nano started laughing maniacally while rolling across the floor yelling "ROFFLE! ROFFLE ROFFLE ROFFLE! For the love of all things good ROFFLE!"

"What's roffle?" Leah asked.

"Roffle is a different pronunciation for the acronym ROFL, or 'Rolls on The Floor Laughing,'" Sage explained.

"Oh yeah, I know that acronym," Leah said with elation, feeling as though she knew what was going on for once. She was about to continue her search for Veltru and Velria when she heard a noise coming from the ceiling.

"HOLY HAIL!"

A Purple Kiko and a girl were dancing on the roof.

"Hi Nut! Hi Luau!" Nano called to them. They looked up (or down from a grounded point-of-view) and waved to Nano.

"Hiya!" the Kiko said and jumped off the roof to glomp Nano.

"What's with the Weewoo?"

"That's Leah, my newbie."

"Okay, cool! I'm Nut. I'm a Purple Kiko and a Belle Doll."

"Belle Doll?"

"Yup. Belle is responsible for turning people into Belle Dolls. TNT calls them Rainbow Fountain Faerie Dolls but don't believe them, 'kay?"

"Sure thing. And who's..." Leah was interrupted by the remaining roof dancer, who jumped off the roof to glomp the tiny Weewoo.

"Hey there stranger! I'm Luau."

"Hi Luau. I'm hurting."

"Oh! Sorry about that." Luau apologized, standing up.

"I'm Leah. Um...have any of you seen my pets?"

"Are they the ones who wrote _Hamlet_ on my hoodie in permanent marker?"

"Veltru and Velria have been here? What have they done now?"

"More or less what Sage said. They sneak up on you and write Shakespearean plays on your articles of clothing. Luckily I've been keeping an eye on my mallet until this very moment, and they haven't managed to..." As Nano picked up her cheese mallet, _A Midsummer Night's Dream_ could be seen written across it. "HOW DID THEY DO THAT?"

"Where did they go?"

"Last time I checked they were in the kitchen," Nut said, looking into space trying to remember.

"You have a kitchen?" Leah whined.

"Of course we do. Where do you think we get all the cheese and celery and junk?" Sage replied.

"Where is it?"

"Downstairs, across the Grand Hall, to the right," Luau instructed.

"I'm probably not going to remember that anyway so everyone, follow me," Leah said, flapping in midair.

"But we're playing Super Smash Bros!" Nano whined.

"Would you rather play Super Smash Bros, or save all your cheese from disappearing?" the Weewoo retorted.

"Am I supposed to answer that honestly?"

"Just follow me!" So Leah, Sage, Nano, Nut, and Luau carefully made their way downstairs and peeked in the kitchen.

"Good glompers!" Nano shouted.

"Good what?" Nut asked.

"Look at what they did to my cheese!"

"Look at what they did to the kitchen!" Luau corrected.

"But look what they did to my _cheese_!" the Shoyru repeated. "It's all gone!"

"What do you mean? We have 5 tons of the stuff shipped here every two hours."

"I can't wait two hours, Sage! Are you insane? I NEED cheese! My whole world revolves around it!"

"Nano, calm down. Once we find my pets we'll punish them and make sure it doesn't happen again," Leah assured her.

"You don't understand, Leah. Cheese is like the air I breathe! You can't just go two hours without breathing!"

"In your case, you do," said an elf who stood by the fridge. She was wearing a chef hat and had her arms crossed.

"Dragonfly, did you see them do it?" Nut asked.

"No. I was concentrating on my Maine Lobster, but they ended up eating it raw after the cheese disappeared." Dragonfly took off her chef hat and showed it to the group. "Oh, and can anyone explain why _Romeo and Juliet_ is written on this?"

"We'll explain later. Now, where do you think they could have gone?" Sage asked, trying to ignore Nano's scrunched position on the ground.

"No clue. They couldn't have gone far, though."

"Let's continue ze search!" Leah said in a random French accent.

They continued searching throughout the house, eventually having to carry Nano by her hands and feet.

"Hey, Sage? You know how I'm always a human?" Luau asked.

"Yeah. So?" he replied.

"I don't want to be a human. It's too weird. What should I be?"

"What's wrong with humans? Humans are fine. I like being human."

"Humans are _inferior_. No offense."

"You ARE human!"

"That's exactly why I want to change! Weren't you listening?"

Sage sighed. "I don't know. Why don't you just become an island Kiko?"

"That's it! Thanks Sage!" Luau said. She glomped him and transformed in a flash of light into an island Kiko.

"I was just kidding," Sage said, glaring at Luau.

"Don't talk to me, human."

They continued down the stairs trying to keep Nano from falling and getting in an even worse position. That is, until a brown Aisha came along.

"What are you guys doing to my Nanuub?" she asked suspiciously.

"You mean Nano? Oh, she's overreacting because there's no more cheese," Leah explained.

"No more cheese?" the Aisha gasped.

"No more cheese?" Sage asked.

"No more cheese?" Luau asked.

"No more cheese?" Nut asked.

"No more cheese?" Dragonfly asked.

"Why are you all acting surprised! You know there's no more cheese just as much as Fyora's the faerie queen!" Leah shouted.

"Fyora's the faerie queen?" the Aisha asked.

"The faerie queen?"

"The faerie queen?"

"The faerie que…"

"SHUT UP!" Leah retorted. She took a deep breath and continued. "You see, my pets found the kitchen and apparently ate all of the cheese, as they aren't too fond of celery."

"But we get five tons of it shipped here every two hours," Moofi reminded her.

"I know, that's why I said she's overreacting," Leah said. Nano responded to that by coughing dryly and whispering in a sickly voice, "It's the air I breeeeeathe."

"Be quiet Nano," they all said in unison.

"Well, I guess I'd better make a proper introduction. I'm Moofi, and as you can see I'm a brown Aisha. Nano and I go way back. Don't we, Nanuub?" Moofi said as she turned to Nano. Nano gurgled.

"We need more people to carry Nano, so can you help us find my pets?" Leah asked.

"I'd be happy to," Moofi replied, beaming. Moofi ran over and grabbed Nano's tail (which did little but it was something) and they continued to the first floor.

"Where do you think your pets are at?" Moofi asked.

"Don't you mean 'Where do you think your pets _are_?'" a voice behind them said. They all looked behind and saw a green Draik with her arms crossed and tapping her foot on the ground accusingly. "Ending a sentence with a preposition is like murdering the English language and then chopping it up in little pieces."

"Erm...who are you?" Leah asked.

"I'm Animageous, or Ani," she replied. "I'm the Green Grammar Draik of Doom! And I'm part of the Admin on the guild."

"Admin?" Leah asked.

"Yup. Like Slamina and Tdyans and the rest of the admin, we can ban members, delete messages, and raise people's ranks," Ani explained.

"Right. Have you seen a yellow Kacheek or a red Shoyru around here, Ani?" Nut asked.

"Or better yet, has anything of yours been written on?" Dragonfly added.

Ani sighed and turned around, revealing the words _Julius Caesar_ on the back of her left wing. She then pointed to the washroom. "They went that-a-way."

"Nano, remind me again what the washroom is again," Leah said. Nano just gurgled on the floor from being deprived of cheese. After Leah kicked her in the shin Nano shouted, "IT'S A ROOM WHERE YOU WASH YOUR BRAIN! Geez…"

"Oh, right…" Leah suddenly perked up. "Oh, wait, troublesome pets and brain removal. BAD COMBINATION!" So Moofi, Sage, Nut, Luau, Belle, Dragonfly, Slamina, and Ani carried Nano and followed her down to the basement. When they arrived, the leader of the guild, Tdyans, was talking to another newbie.

"So you see, Chris, here in NTAG you can defy all of the laws of physics and some that don't exist," Tdyans explained.

"What about 'glomps'?" Chris asked.

"Heheh, I'll teach you that later. So here we have the washroom..."

"Tdyans!" Ani called out.

"Ani, what are you guys doing here?"

"We're looking for this Weewoo's pets. What are you doing here?"

"Tdyans is giving me a tour of NTAG. I joined a long time ago but I haven't been very active up until now," Chris said. He glanced at the blue Shoyru they were dragging and said, "Is that Nano?"

"Unfortunately, yes. She's a bit…spazzed out right now because there's no more cheese."

"No more cheese?" he asked.

"No more cheese?" Slamina asked.

"No more cheese?" Nut asked.

"No more…"

"DON'T START THIS AGAIN!" Leah hissed.

"Your pets ate all the cheese?" Tdyans said, confused.

"The air I breeeeeeeaaaathe…" Nano choked in her sickly voice.

"Be quiet Nano," they repeated.

"Well this is just peachy. We came all the way down here and the pets are nowhere in sight," Belle sighed.

"You mean the Shoyru and Kacheek? They're actually in the washroom putting potatoes in the washers and writing Shakespea-"

"Shakespearean play titles on everything. We know," said Sage.

They ran into the washroom to find the two messing up the washroom more than it already was.

"We really need to clean this place," Tdyans said to herself.

"Veltru! Velria! What do you think you're doing!" Leah yelled at her spawns.

"Doing what we always do in public," Veltru muttered, scribbling on a washer.

"If you don't stop this behavior right now I'll the Monoceraptor baby-sit you again," Leah threatened. Her pets sighed and dropped their spray paint and potatoes.

"What? Leah, we don't want them to stop, we were just trying to find them!" Luau said.

"Huh?" Leah asked with much confusion.

"This is how everyone is. We're all insane and we keep blowing up the guild house. Which is why it always looks brand new when someone joins! Because it _is_ brand-spanking new!" Moofi said with a big grin on her face.

"Then this guild is perfect! Because everyone screws up just as much as we do!" Velria cheered.

"I suppose so…" Leah said.

"So?" Velria asked.

"So what?"

"You said if you got the slightest hint of NTAG being boring we would leave," Velria reminded her.

"Just letting you know right now, we're forcing you to stay even if you don't want to," said Veltru.

"I was going to anyway! Geez..."

"This calls for a celebration!" Belle said. "Everyone follow me upstairs!" So Leah, Tdyans, Chris, Sage, Nut, Slamina, Luau, Dragonfly, Moofi, Ani, Veltru, and Velria carried Nano and followed Belle upstairs to listen to her announcement.

"Alrighty everyone! As a special treat, I'm going to make everyone made out of snow! The humans will become snow merpeople, the Belle dolls will have snow fabric, and the pets and Petpets joined will become their snow color!" Belle bellowed. In a flash of light, every member of the guild became snow. Sage, Slamina, Dragonfly, Tdyans, and Chris became snow merpeople, Nano, still in her cheese-deprived state, became a snow Shoyru, Leah became a snow Weewoo, Nut and Luau became snow Kikos, Ani became a snow Draik, and Moofi became a snow Aisha.

"This should be a great step towards the Christmas spirit! Everyone have a merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and all that other stuff!" Belle added.

"Huzzah!" the snow members shouted.

The doorbell rang and it turned out to be the cheese delivery. Nano magically came back to life at the sight of it and agreed to allow Leah in the cheese tribe as long as she didn't eat more than 20 pounds of cheese every day.

There was a huge party that night to celebrate the day. Before bed, Tdyans assigned Leah her new bedroom. Leah let Veltru and Velria decorate it because she could barely carry a glass of water in her Weewoo form. Before it was lights out for the night, Leah wrapped her wings around her two pets and said, "Veltru, Velria, this is the beginning of a beautiful membership."

**The End**


	2. Mystery of the Missing Christmas Issue

**The Adventures of NTAG**

Mystery of the Missing Christmas Issue

**Disclaimer: Yo momma.**

It was Christmas Eve in the NTAG house and everyone was preparing for the occasion. In the main hall, the rails for the stairs were lined with holly. A huge tree was placed in the center of the room with ornaments, popcorn strings and candles. A super nova topped it off, giving a bright glow to the room. A rug was under the tree to give a spot for presents to stay. The rabid shadow Meepits giggled while they placed mistletoe under every door leading out of the main hall, which is why people either stayed in the room or ran while they went through. Nano gathered cheese and made sculptures out of them, desperately trying not to eat them all. The rest of the members were busy decorating with Veltru and Velria, talking about the annual NT awards or making comments about what they want to accomplish in the year to come. The one thing that filled people's minds the most was the Christmas issue of the Neopian Times. Being a guild dedicated to the NT, people had reason to celebrate. Tdyans, Slamina and the rest of the council members ordered thousands of issues to distribute at the annual Christmas Neopian Times Ball, a party of Neopian Times lovers to celebrate another year of wonderful submissions. Then they would all go to bed afterwards, waiting for the sun to rise. For they all knew the next day would be the day they had all been waiting for. On that day, like every year before it, NTAGers exchange gifts and explore the house with their new presents. Neopia as a whole is very tranquil at Christmas, and if you're an NTAGer, tranquil means shouting your brains out at the sight of your extraordinary gift.

As for Leah, this would be her very first NTAG Christmas, along with other members.

In celebration of no longer having to use her gallery as a pharmacy, Leah used it to hold her new Zen-themed gallery. Leah had met many people since her first day at NTAG. There was Meep, the master over all rabid shadow Meepits. She was a silver Lupess who had a shadow obsession. The Meepits were quite kind to Meep, but as for the rest of the members it was a canvas for the art of pranks.

Another member to reveal their true form that month was Chris. He revealed that he was really a green Bori, but that didn't last long due to Belle's mercreature spell. Chris had even created his own balloon fetish. Leah swore to herself that this would be the most insane NTAG Christmas yet. She made sure every miniscule thing was perfect.

"Veltru! Make sure that nova is straight! Velria! Green goes with red, not blue!" Leah shouted to her pets. She had stayed in NTAG for an official 15 days, but to her it seemed like half a year. She had made many new friends and finally found a guild where she wasn't the only one who demolished the house. But everyone agreed they wanted the house to stay in one piece during the holidays so they wouldn't have to spend Christmas rebuilding.

"Hey Leah! Catch!" Sage called to her. Belle had turned him into a Belle doll as a joke, but everyone kept telling him it was his "punishment" so he remained that way for the holidays. He tossed a one pound box on top of a five ounce bird. Luckily for him, her ability to grip with her feet had improved since she joined. She caught hold of the present and placed it under the tree.

"Are you just going to keep throwing heavy objects at me?" Leah yelled back.

"I'm just testing you. Since you have to shift from hands to feet between here and the outside world, you need some practice to learn how to use them both properly."

"You're just making an excuse to throw stuff at me."

"Did it work?"

"..."

"Don't worry Leah, this'll teach him," Meep offered. "RSM's, ATTACK!" Suddenly rabid shadow Meepits swarmed around Sage and gave him a really bad hair day. While Sage was head butting into the wall, trying to shake them off, Moofi ran up to Leah.

"Leah!" Moofi greeted. "How are you doing?"

"I'm fine," Leah said with a grin on her face.

"Where's Nanuub?"

"Probably in the kitchen with the 'air she breathes,'" Leah said sarcastically.

"Probably. And when are the Christmas issues being delivered?"

"In an hour most likely."

Sage appeared to have gotten the Meepits off and mocked, "But I can't wait an hour! I'll suffocate without the NT!"

"Shut up, Sage!" Nano yelled from the kitchen.

"Yup, she's in the kitchen. Seeya 'round, guys." Moofi said, departing. Leah managed to wave a few times before getting hit with a fruit cake.

"SAGE!"

* * *

From the dark depths of outside the guild house, a mysterious figure in a dark cloak peered inside with envious eyes.

"The fools...let's see how much they really appreciate their precious Neopian Times..." the figure said, sneering. The figure turned around to find he was trapped by the Evil Vacuum Pit of Doom.

"Curses!" It said as it tried to dodge getting sucked into the abyss. The figure leaped over it in a desperate attempt to escape. It got out just in time and glanced back at the guild house. "This is far from over."

* * *

"Shouldn't the Christmas issue be out right about now?" Leah asked as she paced around the front door.

"Yeah. They're thirty minutes late," Nano said after she punched Sage for mockingly choking on air.

"Don't worry guys. They'll be here any minute," Tdyans assured them.

"Let's check the news," Nimras offered and turned on the TV to the Neopian news channel. Nimras was a white Lupess who was notorious for spending time in the showers with Jeran ("her blue fuzzy") and wielding a cheese grater. She and Leah had met about a week after Leah's arrival. She was just as impatient as everyone else to see the new Christmas issue.

"Look! They updated the page! It must have info on the Christmas issue!" Nut exclaimed. After watching the program for an hour, people started to panic.

"They forgot the NT! It was scheduled for today, why don't they have it?" Luau asked frantically.

"Now, now, guys. I'm sure they'll mention it soon," Meep said calmly.

"They've repeated the same news in the same order ten times now! Whoop, make that eleven," Nano said.

"You counted?"

"I'm REALLY fidgety right now, Chris. Don't mess with me," Nano said as she nervously chomped on a piece of cheese.

"I'll call the editors," Tdyans offered. She dialed up the office of the NT.

"Hello, Droplet? We here at NTAG have been waiting an hour and a half for the Christmas issue of the NT. We turned on the news and it just showed the same thing eleven times..."

"Make that twelve!" Nano corrected.

"...and they've said nothing about the new issue. Do you...Oh? Really? Why would they...Oh. Alright. I hear you. Kay, bye," Tdyans said with a disappointed tone and hung up.

"So?" Nut asked, which was on everyone's mind.

"...They've canceled this year's Christmas issue," Tdyans said.

A wave of gasps and yells rang throughout the house.

"We can't have a Neopian Times Ball without a Christmas Neopian Times!" Ani cried.

"How could they not have a Christmas issue?" said Leah, shocked.

"Even Droplet doesn't know. They said it was the staff's decision," Tdyans sighed.

"This is insane!" Nut said.

"Even more insane than us! That's pretty insane." Luau added.

After that, no one knew what to do. They all wanted the ball to go on, but they knew it couldn't continue without the Christmas NT. The decorations were considered to be put down, but it was too painful for all that time spent to be thrown away.

"This isn't fair," Leah said while she laid in her bedroom with her pets.

"We waited all year for this and they end up blowing us off."

"I know! That's like the ultimate Christmas present. Who would send an order for the Christmas NT to be canceled?" Velria said.

"Wait! Velria! Say that again!"

"Ultimate Christmas present?"

"No, after that."

"Who would send an order for the Christmas NT to be canceled?"

"That's it! We need to find who's responsible for canceling the NT and hit them over the head—I mean, uh...reason with them." Leah concluded.

"That might actually work," Veltru said uncharacteristically.

"But how are we going to get direct contact with the staff?" Velria pondered. Leah thought this over and grinned.

"Alright, here's how I want this to happen."

* * *

Three small figures exited the NTAG territory. They were all hidden under dark blankets to conceal them from being visible. Unfortunately for them, Leah came up with her plan rather quick and they were escaping in broad daylight. Also, much to Leah's displeasure, she forgot she was only a Weewoo in NTAG. She turned back to normal in a flash of light, ripping apart her small cloak.

"Well, so much for that," Veltru said, rolling her eyes.

"We mustn't lose hope! We can figure this out. We're doing this for the NT, right?" Leah said optimistically.

"But you don't have your wings. How are we supposed to get in that tiny air vent without a tiny bird?" Veltru complained.

"I'm making this up as I go along. We have seven hours to get those issues to the ball in time," Leah said.

The family then went to Neopia Central and stood by the gate of the Neopets Staff building. They went to the back of the gate and shot a portion of it with Boochi's ray gun, babifying it. They leaped over the shrunken gate and lined up against the back of the wall. Leah looked overhead to a window nine feet above the ground.

"Veltru, fly up there and attach the rope to the edge."

"What rope?"

"The rope I told you to bring."

"You told me to bring a rope?"

"Yes! I made a long list of things to bring. Rope, pepper spray, suction cups…"

"Oh! That. I brought the list; I didn't think you wanted me to do anything with it." She said as she pulled out a folded piece of paper.

"Augh! Fine. We'll have to find out how to get up there without any materials." Leah sighed.

"I don't know, get Veltru to carry us," Velria said, her arms crossed.

"That's it! Velria, you're a genius!" Leah cried.

"Huh?" Veltru asked with a displeased look on her face.

"Veltru, carry us."

"No! Do you know how much cheese you've eaten this month?"

"Do you want the NT or do you want to go home?"

"...Fine. But if I ever have to do this again none of you are eating the day before!" Veltru said. She grabbed Leah by her waist and Leah held Velria in her arms. Veltru pushed off the ground with all of her strength and slowly made her way to the window. As Veltru's hands were full, it was up to Velria to reach the window. She stretched out and reached for the window.

"I got it!" Velria squealed.

"Good. Now open it," Leah commanded.

"And hurry up!" Veltru cried.

Velria experimented with the knobs until she got the window open. With much elation, she jumped into the window and turned around for the others. It was Leah's turn to grab hold of the window. She was about to get it, when all of a sudden, she screamed at the top of her lungs, "AACHOOOO!" They both went flying to the ground.

"What was that?" Velria said giggling above them.

"That was painful," Leah retorted as she laid their with no interest in moving a muscle.

"Get off me!" a muffled voice said under her. Leah hurried off the Shoyru.

"Now what?" Velria said while looking down nervously at the ground.

"Is that Mr. Pickles?" Veltru said.

"You're missing the point Veltru, we—wait, what?"

"That's Mr. Pickles! He has his superhero costume and everything!" Veltru said, gaping.

"Son of a gun, it is," Leah said as she joined Veltru in her gaping.

"Guys!" Velria called from the window.

"Don't worry, Velria. I have a plan." Leah said, smiling deviously at Mr. Pickles.

* * *

"Name, please?" The clerk at the front desk asked.

"Vel–uh...Mr. Pickles." The figure answered.

The clerk looked up from her computer. A red Shoyru was dressed in Mr. Pickles's costume. It was clearly too big for her.

"You got...shorter."

"Ah, yes. That's due to the fact I... am... dieting."

"...You do seem thinner, sir. Very well. Go right on in," The clerk said and attended back to her computer work. Veltru nodded, turned around and tripped on her cape. She hurriedly got up, went back to get a cardboard box, and scooted it in the main room with a nervous smile. There was no one there so she opened the box and let Leah out.

"So where do we go from here?"

Leah paused for a moment and looked around. She grunted and shrugged. Veltru sighed and put on her mask.

"Guess we're going to have to search every window in here."

"Guess so. Hey, a vending machine!" Leah said as she gazed at the snack giver.

"Not now!" Veltru said and dragged Leah by her feet to the elevator.

Veltru pushed the button for the fifth floor. Immediately afterwards Leah pushed the button for the top floor.

"What the—what did you do that for!" Veltru hissed. Leah only giggled silly in reply. They went to the top floor and exited. As they ventured through the hallway they could see very recognizable names on the doors.

"Adam, Donna, Snowflake, J. Boogie, all the head honchos are here!" Veltru said.

"Seriously," a voice behind them agreed. They whirled around and saw none other than the little Kacheek they were searching for.

"Velria!" They shouted in unison as they glomped her.

"Where did you come from?"

"Oh, I was here the whole time. I got bored so I decided to mess with the staff members."

"That a girl!" Leah congratulated her.

"Perhaps we should ask Adam about the cancellation," Velria suggested. As if they were all imagining what Adam's room would be like they took a dramatic pause and said simultaneously, "Nah."

"What about Donna?" Veltru asked.

"Donna's good," Leah said, beaming.

They went to the door with her name and knocked. After a few seconds the door opened and Poptart gazed at them confused.

"Who are you?" She asked.

Leah got out of her trance and answered, "We are members of NTAG. We have waited all year for the Christmas edition of the NT and…"

"And you're here in regards to the cancellation," She said in her native British accent. "I'm also terribly sad about the incident, really."

"Then who ordered for it to be cancelled?"

"...I'm afraid I cannot say. Ever since he lost the love of his life he's been secluded in his room all day. He's so furious he doesn't want the Christmas edition to even be mentioned."

"He lost the love of his life? Poor thing..." Velria cried.

"But why take it out on the Neopian Times?" Leah asked.

"He claims the one who took his love was a fan of the Neopian Times. We've tried reasoning with him, but..."

"Can you at least tell us his room?"

"...It's directly to the left going out of my room. But you didn't hear it from me!" Donna said and closed the door.

"Directly left coming out of her room, so that would make it…" Leah started as she pointed the room at their right. They all gasped as they read the name on the door.

"Borovan."

"Adam ordered for the NT to be cancelled! I'm going to teach that guy a lesson!" Veltru said as she puffed out her chest and stormed to his room.

"Veltru, no! We have to try and reason with him first," Velria protested.

"Fine. I'll give him five minutes." Veltru said and slouched. Leah took a deep breath and knocked on his door.

"Go away," a voice inside retorted.

"Adam, please. This is important." Leah pleaded. "Um...the stocking department is on strike."

After a few moments the door inched open. "Come in."

The three made themselves comfy inside his rather empty room. Adam concealed himself in a dark cloak and turned all of the lights off, making the light from the window the only light source. Leah made Veltru keep her distance as she was desperately trying to bash Adam into the wall.

"Adam, why did you cancel the NT?" Leah got to the point.

Adam seemed to forget about her lying and cried, "She took my one true love!" He collapsed on the floor in sobs.

"Who? Who took your one true love?"

"...She goes by many names. But her official name is...is...nanoalchemist."

"NANO!" they all gasped.

"You know her?" he asked.

"Yeah, but, how can it be Nano? She's been at our guild house all day."

"NTAG, right? That's why I cancelled the NT. I wanted that kidnapper to perish," he hissed.

"Where could she put your one true love in our guild?"

"...In the fridge."

"What! Ewww!"

"What? Why wouldn't you refrigerate it? You don't want it to spoil."

It was at that moment that Leah discovered what he was actually talking about.

"ASPARAGUS! You've got to be freaking kidding me! You made this huge deal over your asparagus!"

"Don't make fun of it! My love is going through a hard time right now," Adam whimpered.

"What would Nano do with asparagus, anyway? She's the cheese lord."

"Asparagus is surprisingly tasty dipped in cheese," Adam answered.

Leah pondered on this for a moment and said, "What time is it?"

Adam looked at his wristwatch and answered, "6:30. Why?"

"We don't have much time left." Leah said to herself. She turned to the hooded loon and said, "Adam, I've got a deal for you."

* * *

"Tis the season to be jolly, falalalala..."

"Belle, what are you doing?" Nano complained.

"I'm trying to bring Christmas cheer to NTAG before our ball..."

"You heard Tdyans. The ball's not going to happen."

Belle broke out in tears. "I know! I just wanted us to be hopeful that things would change!"

"There's no hope."

"Then why did we all get dressed up and prepared?"

"..."

Meep joined the conversation with her Meepits. She sighed and said, "It's 5 to 7:00. Even if they were to change their minds, it would never be delivered in time."

"Yeah. It's not like they're going to come out of nowhere with a huge truck full of newspapers."

"Look! They're coming out of nowhere with a huge truck full of newspapers!" Belle cried.

"Haha, very funny Belle."

"Seriously! They're coming at us really fast!" Belle said as she pointed to the truck in front of the house.

"Dang, I hope Leah never gets a driver's license," Meep gawked. Soon the whole guild stood in front of the house to see what was going on. The truck made a wheelie as it screeched to a stop. Leah popped out of the driver's seat and cheered "Hi, guys! Did we miss the ball?"

"Leah? What are you doing with Adam?" Sage asked.

"Why does that Fountain Faerie Doll sound like a boy?" Adam whispered to Leah.

"Long story," she said, grinning.

"Adam?" Nano said nervously.

"You!" Adam yelled. "...You took my asparagus."

"Oh, uh...hehe...that was...yours?" She asked as everyone gave her an accusing glare.

"You took Adam's asparagus? How could you not know he would get ticked off?" Tdyans said.

"Yeah. The last time Adam's asparagus was stolen..." Slamina said nervously.

"What? What happened?" Nano asked frantically.

"You know how the other half of Neopia is missing?"

"Okay, I'd rather not discuss this," Adam said.

"So you were the one who cancelled the Christmas NT?" Chris asked.

"Yes. BUT! I made up for it by bringing double what you ordered at no extra charge."

"Really?"

"Hehehehe no. But it's discounted some."

"You guys have got to read the comics!" Veltru squealed as she held open the comic section.

"Looks like we came just in time for the ball," Velria said, beaming.

"Oh yeah! The ball's in three minutes!" Moofi said.

"Then again, we all got dressed up," Dragonfly said with a grin on her face.

"Aww man! I spent all this time at the Neopets Staff center but I didn't get any time to get ready!" Leah said as she brushed her feathers with a wing.

"Speaking of which, I have an early Christmas present," Sage said. He pulled out a pair of mini sunglasses. Leah gasped and glomped the male Belle doll.

"Sage! How did you know?"

"You're pets are easily intimidated."

"Wha?"

"Erm ahem...I mean...I guessed?"

"Thanks!" She said as she put on the shades. "Alright, let the Neopian Times Ball begin!"

The Admin put up sound systems and organized the huge pile of NT issues in time for the ball. People partied their brains out that night then had to go to the washroom because it usually landed on the ground. Adam joined the partying because he didn't think he had anything better to do that night, so Donna and the rest of the staff members came in person to physically punish him for forgetting their Christmas Eve banquet. Then they partied too. The OK sisters sang Christmas carols when the speakers were turned off. Leah loved her new sunglasses so much she made it part of her permanent look. Belle said she would make Sage's look permanent, but later changed her mind. Before the party was over, Adam took back his asparagus and, to make up for her mistake, Nano had to give him his asparagus's weight in cheese. It put her in debt until the cheese delivery came by later. Coincidentally, five tons of cheese was her debt so she went into a vegetative state for the last two hours of the ball. It was, as Leah predicted, the most insane NTAG Christmas yet.

* * *

"Open your presents first, Veltru," Leah said while Velria was getting the cookies. It was Christmas morning and everyone woke up early to see all of the presents they got. Nano was pleased to see that because of her cheese deprivation the previous night, most of her presents consisted of cheese. Veltru and Velria were both fighting over who would open presents first, but Leah decided Veltru should because she was older. Veltru went to her first present and ripped the packaging off. She unveiled the box and took out a Faerie Petpet Paint Brush.

"...What am I supposed to do with this, doofus?"

"Open the rest of your presents, Veltru," Leah retorted.

Veltru glared and ripped open the other box. A Sauropod leaped out of the box once it was uncovered.

"Holy! Leah..."

"Yup."

"With the paint brush?"

"Yeah."

"I can paint the…"

"Yes!"

Veltru blinked and murmured, "Uh...I guess this is pretty cool. So you're not a _complete_ failure as an owner.

"Don't stop now, you have one more," Leah said with a huge grin on her face.

"Okay," Veltru said with a concealed smile, already pleased with her new Petpet. She tore open the box and gasped. Veltru stared back at Leah in disbelief.

"Ha, I give you a Royal Paint Brush and you start getting all silent on me."

Veltru closed the gift. "Well, I'd be remiss if I didn't tell you that you _should_ be spending your money on food or a home."

"I love you, too."

"What's got Veltru all happy?" Velria asked as she walked in with fresh baked cookies.

"She's just a bit surprised from her Christmas presents. Open yours, Velria."

"Alrighty," She said and picked one of her gifts at random. She gasped and beamed at Leah.

"Is it that good?" Veltru said, unaware that's somewhat how she reacted. Velria turned to reveal her new Seti.

"...Thank you, mom," she cried as she hugged her Petpet.

"Don't stop now," Leah said, grinning. Velria gasped and quickly shredded through her other gift.

"It's a Lost Desert Paint Brush!" Velria said, almost bawling. Leah was given uber-glomps by her very content pet.

"There's still more," said Leah. The pets turned around to see a huge present about their size.

"To Veltru and Velria," Velria read off the tag. They opened the box and peered inside. Suddenly a baby Kougra and a white Weewoo pounced out of the box.

"What the?"

"Veltru, Velria, meet your new baby brother. His name is Kougai, and the cutie on his shoulder there is Kali."

"Why would you give a white Weewoo to our brother if you're a white Weewoo?"

"Exactly."

"Huh?"

"Er...I just figured giving one of my pets a white Weewoo would show my love for the Neopian Times," Leah said as she held the frame of her sunglasses. "With my shades, it'll be easy to tell the difference between the two."

"Good point," Velria said, playing around with the Weewoo on Kougai's shoulder.

"Want to go to the rainbow pool now?" Leah asked. The sisters looked at each other, then the rest of the NTAGers in the room.

"Not right now..." Velria said as she smiled at Nano's cheese frenzy.

"Yeah. We still have a lot to do in NTAG this morning, right?" Veltru added.

"Sure. Like kick Sage's butt at Super Smash Bros!" Velria proclaimed. They both roffled as they went upstairs to the game room. Leah smiled and flew onto Kougai's other shoulder, presents in arm, prepared to deliver them to her friends.

**The End**


	3. The Cheesinator

**The Adventures of NTAG**

The Cheesinator

**Disclaimer: Yes, please, with fries.**

One bright and shining day Nano decided to take Leah down to the dark, damp basement for a secret Cheese Tribe meeting. Nano stepped into the basement and switched the light on.

"So...what is this exactly?"

"I told you, Leah, it's the CHEESINATOR!" Nano bellowed.

"The who now?"

"It's my latest invention. It will turn everything into cheese!"

"Wow! Really?"

"Well, there's a catch. But it's a good catch! It only turns inanimate objects into cheese. Or objects, none the less."

"Sounds good to me." Leah nodded in agreement. "So, remind me again why we have this if five tons are shipped here every two hours."

"Simple. You have to cook cheese and some other junk together to get a cheese omelet, but with this baby you just set the dial for 'cheese omelet' and zap! Plus it's good news to you because you love ray guns."

"So it's basically a device for lazy people."

"Pretty much."

"Cool! So uh...why are you telling me this?"

"You're second in command for the Cheese Tribe, so I want you to witness my first experiment with it."

"Sweet! Where are the lab coats and goggles and stuff?"

"Safety's for squares! Let's just fire away."

"Alright..." Leah said discouragingly.

"First we will test...THIS CHAIR!" Nano said dramatically, cackling as she placed the piece of furniture in front of the ray gun. "Ready? 5...4...3...close enough, FIRE!" Nano shouted and slammed down the big red button. A large light appeared at the tip and grew until it shot out and stuck the chair. Nano stopped the ray gun after a few seconds.

"Eureka!" Nano yelled and flew down to pick up the newly formed cheese.

"Um...Nano? We have a situation here," Leah stated and pointed to the stained floor where the cheese used to be. Nano, as if recognizing the distinct color of the stain, bent down and licked it.

"A cheese flavored stain...?" Nano wondered.

"No, a cheese flavored stain that spreads!" Leah cried. Nano glanced down again and screamed as she realized the stain was multiplying across the floor. As the cheese made its way to the wall Nano cried, "RUN!" She and Leah swiftly carried the ray gun out of the basement and scurried up the stairs. Unfortunately the cheese beat them to the door.

"We are so busted," Leah sighed as she bowed her head.

"True that. Hey, why isn't the ray gun transformed?"

"Maybe because it's not on the floor..."

"NANO!" multiple voices from upstairs shrieked.

"Scratch that, you're busted," Leah snickered.

"Oh no, I'm not taking all the blame."

"All I did was watch."

"Exactly! You could've stopped me!"

"NANO!" The voices repeated.

"I'M COMING!" Nano yelled back.

"What did you do?" Belle shouted as soon as the two returned from the basement.

"We were testing the CHEESINATOR! downstairs but then it spread and we tried to stop it and Leah did nothing but watch!" Nano said in one breath.

"The 'Cheesinator'?" Nimras said accusingly.

"No, no. See, it's the CHEESINATOR!" Nano corrected.

"Whatever. What are we going to do now that the house is made of cheese?" Ani asked.

"Have a huge feast!"

"Nano!" Leah cried.

"What? The way I see it, when life gives you lemons, zap it into cheese," Nano said, patting her Cheesinator.

"What was that invention of yours supposed to do?" Dragonfly asked.

"I programmed it to turn everything into cheese, but..."

"EVERYTHING? Don't you think it would have been wiser to program it so it cheesinates one thing at a time?"

"...OOHHH! I GET IT!" Nano exclaimed.

"Hey! The house is made of cheese!" Moofi declared.

"We noticed," Belle sighed.

Meanwhile, upstairs, Sage was hard at work with a story.

"...And they lived happily ever after," Sage said as he wrote down the final sentence. "There! The story I've been working on all month is ready! With a grand total of 200 pages, I've finally beaten Leah's NTAG fan fiction writing record!" He turned around to get the binder for his long story. He turned around and suddenly noticed the door was now pure cheese. "What the..." Before he could react, the cheese crawled across the floor, up his desk and into all 200 pages of his story.

"Gack! What happened?" Sage cried. He dropped the binder and rushed to his story. He tore through the pages, horrified to see that there was no text—just cheese.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" His voice could be heard in the guild next to NTAG. But because they knew of their insanity since day one, it didn't come as much of a surprise. Their guild's house has not exploded once. How can they stand it?

"...Leah...maybe you should go talk to him?" Luau suggested after his bloodcurdling scream.

"I'm on it," Leah nodded and headed up to Sage's room. She hopped across the cheese-tiled floor and knocked on Sage's door.

"Sage...? You okay? You alright?" Leah asked in a gentle voice.

"...Go away."

"Sage? Sage, what happened? Talk to me!"

"...I said go away."

"Sage!"

"I'm not coming out."

"Then can I come in?"

"No!"

"Don't make me go Zelda on you, young man!"

"You just got that from some T-shirt. And I'm older than you!"

"Don't make me go Zelda on you!" She repeated.

"Alright! Alright. Come in." Leah pushed the door open and stepped in.

"Wha...Where are you?"

"...What do you want?"

"Sage, where are you hiding?"

"I'd rather not..."

"GET OUT HERE!" she shrieked. In response, Sage crawled out from under the bed.

"Thank you! Now, let's...what are you wearing?" Leah asked wide-eyed. Not only did the RSM's do a number on his hair, his clothes were completely made out of cheese.

"I'm gonna kill Nano."

* * *

A girl slouched as she walked along the main hall. She went by the name Mashy for her love of mashed potatoes. She caught sight of Nano in the kitchen and ran in.

"Nano, is there anything to eat besides cheese? I'm really hungry and I'm starting to get delirious from the smell."

"Sure! We have cheesecake, cheese pizza, mozzarella sticks, cheese fries...you name it."

"Arrg...why did you even come up with a cheese ray gun? Why couldn't you make a mashed potato ray gun?"

"Number one, you said it wrong. It's called the CHEESINATOR! And two, how could you expect the cheese lord to make a MASHED POTATINATOR? It's common sense."

"Do you have any mashed potatoes at all?"

"We have...cheese-dipped potatoes..." Nano suggested.

"How about without cheese?"

"Uh...nope, all the food was altered by the CHEESINATOR!"

"Ugg...never mind then," Mashy groaned.

"It's not that bad! I mean, you're not as addicted to mashed potatoes as I am to cheese."

"Excuse me? I love mashed potatoes equally, if not more than you like cheese!"

"Oh please, Mashy. If I go 5 minutes...No, 5 seconds without cheese, I hyperventilate."

"That's just because you're a drama queen."

"Says you," Nano sneered.

Mashy thought for a second, grinned devilishly and said, "Okay, miss cheese lord, In case you haven't noticed, you haven't eaten an ounce of cheese during our conversation."

"Yeah I...Oh my god. Mashy, you're right. You know what this means?"

"You really are just a drama queen?"

"No! It means I was about to die and didn't even realize it!" Nano cried and dived into the pile of cheese.

"Oi..." Mashy sighed and walked out of the kitchen in search of some mashed potatoes.

* * *

"So...you had finished a huge story about NTAG?" Leah asked, still giggling at Sage's cheese outfit.

"Yes, and then...the cheese...it attacked!" Sage cried.

"Okay, I'm having a hard time focusing on this conversation. Do you have any normal clothes at all?"

"No, all of them had indirect contact with the floor."

"Well, you should at least have something more comfortable on...BELLE!"

"Wait, what do you need Belle for..."

"WHAT IS IT?" Belle shouted back.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY NORMAL CLOTHES TO BRING UP?"

"Could you not shout? Everyone can hear..."

"YES! WHAT DO YOU NEED THEM FOR?"

"I NEED THEM FOR SAGE! ALL OF HIS CLOTHES WERE CHEESINATED!" Leah yelled at the top of her lungs.

"Leah..." Sage said, blushing. He could hear faint but excessive laughing outside his room.

"WHAAT?"

"I NEED THEM FOR SAAAAGE! ALL OF HIS CLOTHES WERE CHEESINATED!" Leah said more slowly.

"SAGE'S CLOTHES WERE WHAT?"

"CHEESINATED!"

"SAGE'S CLOTHES WERE CHEESINATED? SO HIS CLOTHES ARE MADE OUT OF CHEESE?"

"YES! EXACTLY!"

"...OKAY! I'LL BE UP IN A SECOND!"

"Hear that, Sage? Belle's going to be up here in...Sage?" The Weewoo pondered, noticing Sage was nowhere in sight.

* * *

"Talk about being in a sticky situation." Sandy sighed. Sandy was a Faerie Zafara with the wings of a Christmas Zafara. She was in the washroom with Meep and Chris.

"Whoa...what happened to her?" Chris glared.

"Meep was washing her brain in the washroom while the house was being cheesinated." Sandy explained. The Bori's ears perked down as he looked at her cheesinated brain.

"Is this a bad thing?"

"Well, let's just say this isn't the first time a brain was forgotten in the washers."

"What?"

"...Sometimes people wonder off while their brains are being washed."

"So it's not bad?"

"Depends. Sometimes NTAGers are so insane they really don't need a brain. Let's just hope that goes for Meep."

"Uh, hello? Why are you guys acting like I'm unconscious or something? I feel fine now give me back my brain!" Meep ordered.

Chris and Sandy glanced at each other until Sandy concluded, "I had a feeling that would happen."

"Yeah, maybe not with another Neopian, but Meep is definitely insane." Chris nodded.

"Aww, thanks!" Meep said, grinning.

* * *

"How did you find Sage?" Belle asked as she stuck a bag in his room.

"It's not that hard when the window is the only exit," Leah answered, glaring at the human.

"Just don't scream personal things like that again," Sage snapped.

Leah sneered, stuck her head out the door and screamed, "LET'S CELEBRATE, EVERYONE! SAGE JUST PROPOSED TO HIS PILLOW!"

Belle giggled and added, "AND THE PILLOW SAID YES!"

"Guys!" Sage barked at them.

"Right. So Belle, what do you have for Captain Cheesepants?"

"Glad you asked." Belle grinned as she pulled out a sparkly blue skirt with slits in the sides and a matching bikini top.

"No way am I wearing that!" Sage yelled.

"Come on, Sage. This is the only available outfit in the house that isn't cheesinated," Belle reminded him.

"No! This is just some follow-up to that Belle Doll thing! I won't do it," Sage said irritably, crossing his arms. Belle and Leah glanced at each other and then back at Sage.

"Okay," Leah said, crossing her wings and bowing her head.

"Okay?" Belle asked.

After giving a quick wink to Belle, Leah said, "If you say so, human," and hopped to his pillow.

"I'm glad you see things my way," Sage replied calmly.

Leah lowered her glasses to give Belle a when-should-I-do-it expression. Belle put three fingers by her fin in response. As if counting down, she reduced the fingers one by one. Once she hit one finger, Leah immediately grabbed the pillow with her feet and rushed out of the room.

"What the...Leah! Belle!" Sage cried as Belle grabbed the clothes and followed the Weewoo out of the room. Leah and Belle roffled as they went into Belle's room.

"Wow, Belle. You're room is so...watery!" Leah exclaimed.

"Well duh."

"I expected it all to be made of cheese!"

"The Cheesinator can't affect living things, right? My whole room is inhabited by algae. The cheese then couldn't reach the walls, which is why the water is fine."

"And you didn't tell anyone?"

"Of course not, then everyone would want to come into my room. Now I believe we came here for a makeover?"

"Oh, right. Well, I have his pillow right here," Leah said, handing it to Belle.

"Let's pretty up this pillow for her wedding."

* * *

"Nano, what have you been doing?" Tdyans glared at the Shoyru.

"...Just having a little snack..." Nano responded, gulping down another piece of cheese.

"You're eating a hole in the wall of the kitchen," Tdyans corrected.

"There's no more in the fridge..."

"You ate the fridge. The kitchen is totally unfurnished. And I told you an hour ago to start on an invention to change the house back!"

"Oh...yeah...that."

"What have you come up with so far?"

"Well...I made a prototype, but that was cheesinated too so I ate it," Nano said with a nervous grin.

Tdyans slapped her forehead, pointed to the basement and ordered, "Make another one. And this time, don't eat it."

"But prototypes are so yummy delicious!"

"Nano!"

"Right..." Nano sighed and took her materials to the basement.

"And do try not to place it near anything cheese."

"I know what you mean. I was so tempted when the house turned into cheese. It looked so mouthwateringly...nice..." Nano suddenly gazed off into the ceiling of the main hall.

"PROTOTYPE! NOW!" Tdyans yelled. Nano went out of her trance and hurried to the basement.

"What were you screaming for?"

"Oh, Sage. I was just...what are you wearing?"

"Didn't you hear Belle and Leah?"

"Yeah, I...Oh. That's what they meant," Tdyans giggled. A door slam could be heard and suddenly Leah and Belle came running down the stairs.

"What have you two been doing with my pillow?" Sage said with a displeased expression.

Belle couldn't help cracking up as she unveiled the pillow. It had eyes, lips and a mustache drawn on it with magic marker. There was a long, curly red wig placed above the drawings and still had Meepits in it from when they messed up the hair.

"I call her Susiebobjoedean!" Leah announced.

"You're getting married to that thing?" Mashy joked.

"What did you do to my pillow!" Sage cried.

"We dressed up your fiancé before the wedding!" Belle giggled.

"Would you stop joking around?" Sage snapped, grabbing his pillow back.

"Why would you think we're kidding?"

"...It's a boy pillow."

There was an awkward silence until Nano busted through the basement door.

"It's finished! The DECHEESINATOR! is finished!" Nano declared.

"Good! And you didn't eat this one at all, right?" Tdyans asked.

"Nope, I was good this time. Let's fire this baby up!"

A wave of elation spread through the NTAGers as they counted down.

"3...2...1..."

* * *

"Okay, maybe nibbling on the circuitry of the ray gun wasn't a good idea."

"YA THINK?"

The entire NTAG house had completely melted, and a certain blue Shoyru was to blame.

"This has to be the hundredth time our house was destroyed," Sandy sighed.

"hundred and seventh, actually." Nano corrected. "So...since we're going to have to rebuild the house anyway...can I...?"

"Knock yourself out," Tdyans murmured. Nano cheered as she literally swam in her ocean of cheese, eating as she went.

"I meant for that to be literal, but whatever."

**The End**


	4. Attack of the Newbies

**The Adventures of NTAG**

Attack of the Newbies

**Disclaimer: None. See you in court. :D**

"Okay, this day just keeps getting more annoying." A very mad Weewoo stomped through the Grand Hall. For some reason, mass overloads of new members were joining NTAG. Not the kind of new members who are kind of shy at first, and start to shake if they feel their posts were too short. The kind of members who continuously post pointless messages without a clue of what they're doing wrong. And it was driving everyone up the wall.

"coolzgurl164808, please restrain from posting one or two letter posts! Oh, uh...144coujack! No spamming! No-NO! ACK!" Tdyans screamed as she tried to control the rambunctious members. Ani practically died from the chatspeak and acronyms. Leah was beginning to feel like Ani in the sense of not being someone you'd want to cross paths with on your first day in the guild. Leah had had enough and hopped angrily to the lounge. She entered to find out Sage had played against seven of the newbies in Super Smash Bros...And lost.

"Leah! Glad you're here. I need you to play on my team against someone so I can finally win."

"Not now, can you step out here for a moment?"

"Sure...NO! I LOST AGAIN!"

"Sage!"

"Right. Coming," he replied as he got back on his feet and exited the room.

"Follow me to my room. I have something to show you," the Weewoo ordered. Sage couldn't help but be surprised at this. Leah never let anyone but her pets and their Petpets in her room. Leah hastily locked the door once they went inside her room. Her whole room was regal themed except for a tablecloth-covered figure in the middle.

"Remember when I helped get Adam's asparagus back?"

"How could I forget?"

"Well...he gave me this in return." Leah unveiled the figure to be a helicopter.

"Holy Kau! He gave you this?" Sage asked in disbelief.

"Yes, but I didn't try it out because I can fly. But since we're being overrun with a series of short posts, I have the hugest urge to go 15,000 miles in the air away from these spammers."

"I'm totally with you. Those newbies are tough gamers!"

"...Right...Anyway, I'm driving!" the Weewoo announced as she hopped in the front.

"Part of me isn't very keen on letting a Weewoo operate a helicopter while I'm in it, but the rest of me doesn't care. Let's go!"

* * *

"Hey, nanoalchemist!" a random newbie yelled.

"Ack! Oh, uh...hi," Nano said nervously. "You can just call me Nano."

"I like you, nanoalchemist. Maybe one day I could...steal your cheese..."

"What?"

"Er...know you better. Like hobbies, pet peeves, and...stealing your cheese..."

"Huh?"

"And favorites. And while you're sleeping I'll be sure to...steal your cheese..."

"What?"

"Steal your cheese! ...Oops..."

"..." Nano was rendered speechless until she cracked.

"TEH N00BES ARE GOING TO STEAL MEH CHEESE!" Nano shouted as she picked up the 15-foot refrigerator and ran out of the guild house with it.

"Nano! What are you doing!" Nut screamed.

"THEY'LL NEVA GET MEH CHEESE! NEVA!" Nano screeched as she opened the fridge and turned it over, making all of the cheese spread on a large area of the lawn.

"...Dragonfly, Nano's going mental over cheese again!"

"Tell me something I don't know."

"No, I mean she's totally bonkers now!"

"STAY AWAY FROM MEH CHEESE, N00BLETZ!" Nano snarled and dived into the pile of cheese.

"Now she's swimming in it..."

"Tell me something I don't know," Dragonfly repeated.

* * *

Leah stuck the key in the ignition and turned the chopper on. Not bothering with sticking it through her room, she crashed a hole in the wall and continued to fly through the air.

"This is so cool!" Leah cried. Sage showed his agreement by throwing his arms in the air screaming.

"You're going pretty fast."

"The faster, the better."

"Can't argue with that." The two made short yells as they did flips and spins in the machine. Even though she operated the flying machine with her feet, Leah seemed to know by now the aerodynamics it took to work the copter.

"Hey, who's that on the roof?" Sage asked, pointing to tiny ant-like figures on the roof.

"I don't know...let's get a closer look." Leah steered the helicopter closer to the roof and gasped. "It's...the newbies..."

"Why are they on the roof?" Sage asked. He got his answer when the newbies suddenly jumped at the copter.

"lyk wh3re d1d u git th4t kewl helecper?" one asked.

"giv m3 that shweet rid r els ill report u!" another threatened. Leah and Sage covered their ears from the horrendous chatspeak. They tried to shake them off, but for every newbie they sent flying, two more jumped on. Eventually they all jumped out after the helicopter descended at a dangerous rate.

"This thing can't take anymore...we're going to crash!" Leah cried.

"Leah!" Sage cried as the helicopter spun out of control.

"Yes?"

"I wanted you to know something!"

"What?"

"I used your sheets to polish my steel pillow!"

"WHAT!"

"Yeah, funny story, really. I was looking for rags and..."

"Sage, you're ruining our last few seconds of life. Just keep screaming."

"Okay..."

The Weewoo held onto Sage's shoulder for dear life as they neared the ground. Right as Leah thought her time on Neopia was done, the helicopter came to a sudden but smooth stop. Sage and Leah blinked their eyes open to find they had landed on five metric tons of cheese.

"Dragonfly! Now Leah's in the cheese!" Nut called.

"Once again, not that surprising."

"That's not what I mean!"

"Nut, what happened? I thought we were dead," Sage asked, still shaken by almost being killed five seconds ago.

"NOOOO! MY CHEESE!" Nano cried as she spread on the ground, put her face in her arms and sobbed.

"Oh, we landed on her cheese..."

"Who cares?" the Weewoo blurted. "We're alive!"

"Who...cares? WHO CARES? WHO CARES THAT YOU'RE ALIVE! MY CHEESE ISH RUINED!" Nano screeched as she ran back into the house.

"...She doesn't mean that, she just gets...delirious." Moofi sighed. Apparently Sage wasn't very offended because he had been taping the whole thing on video.

* * *

"So what happened to the newbies?" Chris asked.

Chris, Nut, Leah, Nano, Dragonfly, Sage, and Meep were all sitting in the library going over what had happened the day before.

"Nano shot them with the Cheesinator out of frustration," Leah said.

"LALALALALA! I can't hear you!" Nano bellowed, covering her pseudo-ears.

"Then she ate them."

"LALALALALALALALA –deep breath- LALALALALALDIDADIDAA!"

"At least the helicopter's okay," Sage said with a smile.

"You guys want a ride? I installed a Gamecube so Sage can have portable failure."

"I'm in!" Nut eagerly accepted.

"You guys just wait; I'm going to win this time!"

"Yeah, and Nano's going to calm down if we crash into the fridge."

"LALALALALALA—okay, this is getting tiring. Can I come with you guys?"

"Sure, Cheesinator," Dragonfly beamed.

"That's the _CHEESINATOR!_ remember?"

"As long as Meep doesn't bring her Meepits along, I'll be fine."

"But Sage, you'll lose at Super Smash Bros. just fine without them," Meep teased.

Leah smiled and leaned back in her chair. _Yup...only in NTAG._

**The End**


	5. Valentine Drama

**The Adventures of NTAG**

Valentine Drama

**Disclaimer: Did you know it's illegal to go whaling in Oklahoma?**

It was Valentine's Day. This meant different things to different NTAGers. For some, it meant revealing their secret feelings. To others, it meant planning the perfect date for their pooky pie. And for people like Leah, it meant denying any attraction at all.

"I'm not in denial," the Weewoo insisted.

"Yes, you are."

Leah, Sage, Dragonfly, Nimras, and Heather sat in the lounge room. Heather was a royal Korbat with a thing for newspaper cartoons and chainsaws. The lounge had a plasma screen TV and two occupied water beanbags. Cream-colored drapes hugged the window as it shined sunlight on Leah, Heather, and Nimras as they sat around a table. Leah and Heather were arguing as Nimras was slouching over a blank notebook.

"I told you, Heather! I do not have a crush on anyone!" Leah repeated, propping her feet on the table.

"I think you do. Even Sage thinks you're in denial. Don't you, Sage?" Heather asked, glancing at the back of his head.

"Leah's in denial," Sage simply repeated, not daring to take his attention off the game. Someone could have died right then and he wouldn't take his attention away. He needed to win this game for once. Dragonfly worked her fingers on the controller just as hard as Sage, only she was more relaxed and down to earth. Heather snickered as Leah glared at the human. She rolled her eyes and turned to Nimras.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to plan the perfect date for me and Jeran, but I have no clue what to do. I already used that mistletoe gag on Christmas...Gah, I have no experience with organizing or planning..."

"But aren't you the NX Editor?"

"...Well besides that..." Nimras murmured, tapping her pen on the table.

"It's okay, Nimras. I'll help you."

"Do you know of any resorts or diners?"

"Uh..." Leah concealed her unsure expression beneath her shades as she came up with an excuse. "No, but...I can teleport!"

"You can teleport?"

"Yeah! I can teleport."

"Do it now."

"Oh, uh...you kinda have to close your eyes."

"Close my..."

"Yeah, it has a blinding flash."

Nimras eyed Leah suspiciously and closed her eyes. As Sage was banging his head into the wall the Weewoo quickly hid under his pillow.

"I lost again? How does this keep happening! You had one life left! The damage was 297! You were playing as Jigglypuff!"

"You just need to learn to stay away from motion sensor bombs." Dragonfly snickered, put down her controller, leaned back in the beanbag, and twirled a chain around her finger.

"Last time Luau pulled me down with her so that I died first, and now it's motion sensor bombs."

"You're pretty good at SSX..." Dragonfly said, shrugging.

"BUT THAT JUST GOES SO FAR!" Sage cried as he ran out of the room with the pillow, unaware that Leah was clinging onto it for dear life. After a long silence, Nimras stood up.

"If you guys need me, I'll be in my showers." She said her goodbyes and left, right as Belle hurried in.

"Why is there a moose in my bathtub?"

"Aw crap, that was your bathtub?" Heather sighed.

"Yes..."

"Yeah, uhhh...That was for Nano. It was for Valentines Day."

"You put a moose in my bathtub for Nano...?"

"Yeah, but if Nano's present is in your bathtub, where did my gift for you go?"

"WHY IS THERE AN OCTOPUS IN MY SHOWER!"

"Uh oh. Better get going, then," Heather laughed nervously and rushed out of the room.

* * *

"Yes, ma'am, what can I do for you today?" the bank assistant asked.

"I want to go to my Safety Deposit Box," Leah said. She said it in an uneager tone as if she didn't want anyone to hear her.

"Very well. Follow me." Leah and the assistant walked to the back of the bank near the SDBs.

"Do try not to get lost in the abyss, it's very long."

Leah nodded and entered her pin number into the lock. Sweet Fyora I love this feature...

As she stepped inside, she started to wonder if SDBs and the EVPOD were related. Well...they're both long and dark. You can get lost in them too...

She walked along the junk items and sand until she came upon a pink envelope. She picked it up as her green eyes inspected it. _I've met so many people...I have a lot of friends..._ After thinking thoroughly about it, she slipped the card in her pocket. _I know who to give it to...right? Yeah. Having like 20 friends isn't going to change anything. No sir. They'll understand...RIGHT? Ack! I don't know anymore!_

She ran to the bank assistant asking for the brain washroom.

"Brain...washroom?"

"Oh no! I forgot! THE BANK HAS NO WASHROOM!" Leah cried as she ran out of the bank.

The assistant exchanged glances with the customers until he said, "I guess if enough people want it we could install a few toilets..."

* * *

"I have no clue what to do," Nimras sighed. She, Sage, Nut, and Snowee were sitting back in the lounge room. Snowee was a Snow Aisha Ice Mage. She and Leah met days before. "Planning a date between Jeran and me is like taking an ice cube to a tanning bed. It can't be done."

"Why not?" Nut asked, smashing away at the controller. Instead of playing against Sage she was having an intense battle with Snowee.

"Jeran keeps running away from me and slipping right through my fingers. How am I supposed to settle him down enough to take him out?"

"Don't look now, but he's walking right towards us," Sage murmured after drinking from a bottle of coke.

"He is? Ack!" Nimras yelped and hid her notebook into Sage's hoodie.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"Shut up and act casual," the Lupess ordered. Jeran ran in the room apparently hiding something beneath his paws. Nimras nearly fell out of her chair standing up. She waved her arms in the air and yelled, "Garsp!"

"...What was that?" Snowee asked.

"I...don't know. I was trying to say gasp, but it came out all wrong."

"It sounds neat. I should try it sometime," Sage said, taking another sip of the soda. Jeran looked around nervously and spotted Sage.

"Sage, hold this for a second," Jeran said and stuck a piece of cheese in his hoodie.

"Has my clothing become a bomb shelter for everyone's belongings?"

"WHO TOOK MY CHEESE?" Nano's voice boomed as she flew into the room. Jeran and Nimras put on their most innocent expressions as Sage dug some cheese and a notebook out of his hoodie.

"Sage! You took my cheese!"

"Wha? No! Jeran..."

"Is going to watch the most violent fight ever."

"No! Nano! Stop!" Sage pleaded. Nano paused and sneered.

"...I'll forgive you...only if you give me your coke..."

"Okay! Whatever! Just don't hit me with that mallet," Sage sighed and reached for his coke. The sweat from his hands caused the top to slip through his fingers and it spilled on the table.

"Now you went and spilled coke on my cheese!"

"NO! I-it was an accident!"

"I will avenge my cheese."

"Nano, please-"

"BELLE!"

"Coming!" the faerie called back and floated into the room.

"Do something weird to him. He needs to be punished," Nano said and pointed towards Sage.

"Belle please, I didn't do anything."

"It's okay, Sage. I believe you," Belle said. Nano shot her head back to her and sneered.

"You...you do?" He asked in disbelief.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I?"

"Well, it's just that...you have this temper..."

"I do not!" Belle snapped and transformed Sage into a glass of water.

"Hey!" the water shouted.

"Cool, a glass of water! I need a drink," Snowee said after winning Super Smash Bros. and drank Sage. "You guys didn't need that, right?" The other NTAGers said nothing and just nodded in reply.

"Okay. I'm going to go play some Meerca Chase," she said and walked out of the room. Five seconds later Sage appeared back in his same position.

"What just happened?"

"Snowee ate you!" Nano said.

"What? But I'm still here," Sage stated in confusion.

"That's exactly what happened to Leah," Belle noticed, glaring at Nano.

"What?" Jeran asked.

"Shortly after Leah joined, Adam temporarily turned her into asparagus and Nano ate her," Nut explained.

"She's in and out of Nano's stomach at the same time," Belle added.

"Guess you're part of the League of Eaten Peoples!" Nano declared.

"What's that?"

"I don't know, there's just been multiple eatings lately so we should at least make a group for it," Nano said with a nervous giggle.

* * *

"Chris, could I talk to you for a moment?" Leah requested. She and a few others were sitting around the library. Chris nodded, closed his book, and pulled back the chair next to him for Leah to sit in.

"What do you need?" he replied.

"I have the hugest crush on this guy, and I want to give him my Mysterious Valentine's Card..." Leah murmured, not making eye contact.

Chris brought his hand up to his mouth, snickered, and said, "Who is it?"

"It's..." The Weewoo's voice lowered to a whisper. "It's the Phantom Orange Shirt Guy."

"What?"

"You know, he's the guy you sometimes see in games..."

"I know who he is but...why TPOSG?"

"Why not? He's so mysterious...and orange..." Leah said in a dreamy voice, fantasizing about things not often fantasized.

"Do you even know his username?"

"Yeah, it's...uh...you know...yeah..." A loud crash was heard in the library and Moofi's muffled voice came out from under a pile of books.

"You can't send anyone anything without knowing their username," Chris pointed out, trying to get back to the conversation. Leah's beak parted slightly as she saw the flaw in her plan.

"Oh yeah...now what do I do?" Leah asked with her head bowed in sorrow.

"I could help you..."

"No thanks Chris. Remember last time?" Leah said, raising a suspicious eyebrow.

"Uh...no..." Chris lied, trying to act like he didn't know he had done anything wrong.

"You remember that weekend where I had too much homework so I brought it to NTAG to work on it? I spent all Saturday on that science paper and forgot to bring it back with me on Sunday. Before first period, I snuck on Neopets via a library computer and you politely gave me back my paper."

"Your point is?"

"Well, you drew zombies on the first page, the Techo Nanook and the cat Nanook on the second page, Cheese Island on the third, a mashed potato/cheese/celery war on the fourth, and on my concluding paragraph you wrote, 'Mrs. Anderton stinks,' 'science is stupid,' and 'Mrs. Anderton is a four eyed freak. Hahahahaha...ha.' Maybe that's why she gave me a D-," she explained, crossing her wings.

"Okay, so I've made a few mistakes..."

"That was the first time someone ever called my mouth 'little'..." she whimpered.

"Okay...I made a lot of mistakes."

"Yeah. Well, unfortunately that won't help me much with my POSG problem."

"I think you should put your detective skills to work and find out his username."

Leah thought about this and emotionally brightened up. "You're right, Chris! Why, I'll find out his username if it's the last thing I do!"

"You probably don't want to be that persistent, but go for it!"

"I will. Thanks, Chris!" the Weewoo cheered and flew out of the library.

Upon entering the Grand Hall, Leah saw people decorating for the Valentine party. Nimras was having a panic attack, and Belle was hard at work apparently removing a moose from the house with a crane. She hopped out of the front door inconspicuously and continued to Neopia Central. After complaining about being turned back into a human, she walked to the games room and began her search for TPOSG.

The games room itself was like something from another world. It was like an arcade, but if you wanted to play a certain game, you had to step in the proper vortex. The dome roof emitted stars in an endless sky despite the weather outside, so it was very easy for people to lose track of time. Other Neopians were running around from vortex to vortex leaving Leah to wonder what to play first. _First I'll go for...Ah! Ice Cream machine!_ She smiled and stepped into the vortex. She wound up standing opposite to a line of giant ice cream scoops. She inspected the familiar room and waited for something to happen. Without warning the scoops shot out of the cones like a cannonball. Leah yelped and dived out in time to dodge it. She hadn't played in a while but she was skilled enough to get through the first few levels. Finally, on the double chocolate level, TPOSG emerged in the corner. Leah tried to focus on the game while focusing on him. _Yes! Now I can just give it to him!_ Leah beamed and pulled out her card.

"Hey! You! I have something for you!" she called. She maneuvered to the edge of the room until she was a few feet away from TPOSG. Leah was about to reach him when a giant scoop of ice cream hit her in the head at 50 miles per hour. It happened so fast she didn't know how it even happened. All she could remember is laying there, not caring whether she got up or not. That was her last life. It was game over.

"There's no way I'm going back there," Leah sighed as she limped down the hall looking for more games.

"Now I'll do...Meerca Chase!" she announced to herself and ran up to the Meerca Chase vortex. She appeared in another rather small room and unintentionally started running as fast as she could. After collecting a few neggs and avoiding the red ones, TPOSG appeared again. Leah almost tripped in elation and skidded over to his general location. Before she could even present the card, she ran him over.

"Oops! I'm so sorry! Hold on, I'll..." _SPLAT_. Once again TPOSG got more of Leah's sneakers than he bargained for. "I-I'm sorry! Let me just..." _SPLAT SPLAT_. No matter what she did she always ended up running over him.

"Wait, I'm going to try to..." Leah couldn't finish after running into a red negg and disappearing.

"Thank god," TPOSG murmured.

Leah fell into the games room and grumbled in frustration. She pulled back her light brown hair and looked around. Her backside was aching from landing almost directly onto her belt.

"Okay, this time I'm going to go for Meepit Juice Break." Leah rubbed her back and stepped into the vortex. She ended up in the instruction screen for the game.

"Cool, I don't have to actually play this one. I just poke the green Meepit's eye." Leah tried to act casual as she inched closer to the Meepit. Without warning she poked it in the eye. The Meepit growled in response and went on a biting frenzy with her face. She yelled as the two ran around the field.

"Why isn't he here? I poked the freaking Meepit's eye!" she cried. She stopped dead in her tracks as she glared at an identical green Meepit. "For the love of..." Leah sighed as she poked that Meepit's eye also. The Meepit squeaked in distress and joined the other Meepit in its fight. _Meep's going to kill me for this..._ The Meepits stopped when they watched TPOSG emerge into the field. Leah was still hiding her eyes with her hands until the Meepits jumped on top of TPOSG's head. Leah took away her hands and realized he was standing right in front of her. TPOSG scratched the Meepits on his head and realized Leah was the same girl that ran him over three times in Meerca Chase. He opened his mouth in a silent gasp and ran away.

"Wait! I just want to give you...Ack...ACK! NO! Meepits..."

* * *

"And then after he settles down you both ride through the healing springs in the moonlight. Anything else?" Dragonfly asked.

"What flavor should the muffins be?"

"Half chocolate, half vanilla."

"Thanks, Dragonfly! Jeran'll love this!" Nimras cheered. "I have the whole thing planned out now. I owe you one!" she said as she skipped out of the library. Dragonfly crashed her head onto the table from date-planning overload.

"Dragonfly? Why are you napping in the library?" Luau asked politely.

"I've been helping planning Nimras's date all day. I'm just tired..."

"You can't sleep now! Belle's throwing a Valentine themed party, remember?"

"I know, just give me a few hours."

"It's 5:00. The party starts in an hour."

"WHAT? I thought it was 3!"

"How long have you been planning?" Luau asked in disbelief.

"Apparently longer than I thought. I have to get ready!"

"Come with me." Luau grabbed the elf's hand and rushed out of the library.

The lounge was completely taken over by the feminine gender. The water tribe helped install vanities and mirrors while Meep and her Meepits got the clothing. Belle wore the top that Sage refused to wear during the cheese incident. She also had the necklace of the water faerie around her neck and a water faerie hair clip. In other words, she was as ready as ever. The Weewoo who glumly walked in, however, was not.

"...Leah? What's wrong?" Belle asked.

"I've played 12 games today, investigated the information about TPOSG, and a few mishaps may have made him a bit scared of me."

"Like what?"

"Well, at one point I actually brought my helicopter into a game to try to track him down."

"And...?"

"I wasn't paying attention to where I was going so I crashed in the Neopets Staff Center. Now I'm not allowed operate machinery for a week. I also tried to track him down in Snowmuncher but then the cutter-offer smiley of doom came..."

"...Okay...Why were you investigating him?"

"I was trying to give him a card...I found at least 20 ways to find him and that his real name is Oliver, but I never got close enough to give him his gift..."

"Aww, it's okay, Leah! You don't have to give things to people on just Valentine's day! You can give him that gift anytime." Belle hugged the Weewoo in an attempt to cheer her up.

"You're right, Belle. He's probably out of my league anyway. I mean he's a phantom programmer, about ten years older than me. I'm a five-inch-tall Weewoo with wings. It's probably for the best."

"Leah's crushing on Oliver! Love is in the air!" Slamina jokingly announced.

Leah gave a swift brick to Slamina's head and continued. "Another dilemma is that I'm totally unprepared, just like at Christmas. I'm always unprepared for these things."

"Do you have your shades?"

"Yes..."

"Then you're prepared."

Leah looked up at the water faerie and smiled. "Thanks, Belle."

Suddenly, Chris crashed through the door, disrupting the dominating estrogen.

"Leah! You remember what you said at the bank today?"

"Uh...sure..." Leah replied.

* * *

"Wow...that was actually fun..." Jeran said as he and Nimras walked through Neopia Central. Nimras smiled at this. _It's nice not having to track him down or tackle him threatening to feed him to the Jetsam if he doesn't chill for two seconds and take me seriously so we can go out on a cheese-graterless date. Wait...never mind...uh oh, awkward silence. Better start talking._

"I'm glad you liked it. Let me just stop by the bank..." The two stopped as they saw the situation in front of them. The bank was surrounded by protesters and torches.

"What the...NANO? What are you guys doing!" Nimras asked.

"Oh. Hi, Nimras! The NTAGers and some other Neopians are protesting against the bank because it doesn't have proper plumbing. Leah taught us all a valuable lesson today, and that's that banks of all kinds need washrooms. Eventually we'll move on to the other shops until every building in Neopia has one! Buahahahaha!" the Shoyru cackled.

"Why don't you go to the washroom, Sage?" Meep asked.

"He doesn't need the washroom."

"THANK YOU, Heather!"

"He needs surgery!"

"...Wait, what? ACK! Get that thing away from me!" the human cried as he ran from the bank with the Korbat right on his tail. Nut and a human Leah arrived in a helicopter with cheesecake.

"We got your ammunition, Nano!"

Although the bank never did install washrooms, one thing was certain: TPOSG was in desperate need of a restraining order.

**The End**


	6. Lansel and Sagel

**The Adventures of NTAG**

Lansel and Sagel

**Author's Notes: Lyk omg there's no disclaimer. Anyway, this was actually written for one of my not so evil classes.**

"Tag! You're it!"

"Nano, we're playing hide and seek."

Nano, Leah, Sage, Belle, and Dragonfly were spread across the lounge while it thundered outside the guild house. The rest of the players groaned as they inched out of their hiding spots after Nano forgot what she was doing...again.

"If you ask me, this game is pretty boring without any cheese mallets involved," Nano replied.

"Then just..." Leah began, sighing. "Just thunk someone over the head if you find them."

"Now that's what I call motivation," Nano said in elation.

"Could we go elsewhere? I'm the tallest of all of us and it gives me a disadvantage..." Belle suggested.

"Yeah, we should extend the hiding area to all the NTAG territory," Nano agreed as if she wasn't aware she was the one seeking.

"And it's hard to find a new hiding place every time Nano screws up," Sage added. Without argument, the group trekked downstairs to the Grand Hall and presumed.

"One raining Mortog, two raining Mortog, three raining Mortog..." Nano counted. The rest hurried out of the Grand Hall to find a place to hide, making sure it wasn't the one place they knew would go unsearched.

"Well, they're not in the kitchen..." Nano concluded.

Meanwhile, Leah was running around the basement like a nervous wreck. Nano had finished counting and must have already gone through the kitchen and its cheese. The young Weewoo flew through the dark maze and pushed away boxes and old cobwebs. As she hopped off a shadeless lamp she could hear the faint flapping of wings and cheesing of cheese mallet.

Oh no, she thought as she raced desperately. Those same words ran through her head as her heart dropped into her stomach. She found any opening in the pile of junk that could get her away from the mallet and squeezed through it, yet the flapping just seemed to get louder. This continued for as long as Leah could stand. In a desperate attempt for evasiveness, she opened the nearest door and slammed it behind her.

She probably would have asked herself why she went through all that over a game of hide and seek if it weren't for the old book in the center of the room. Leah's blue-green eyes inspected the chains and locks worn on the dusty novel. All thoughts of Nano or the game escaped her as she stepped closer. Her pearly-white wings brushed across the leather cover. The title read, Hansel and Gretel. Leah couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at this. How could such a simple if not brief fairytale take up a book that was double her height? Her eyes widened in surprise as the words began to give an eerie glow. Like clay in fast forward, the letters shifted to instead spell out the words, Lansel and Sagel. Leah held her breath as she actually became frightened at the book's odd actions. The glow became a shine and eventually the whole room was emitted in light.

* * *

"Lansel! Sagel! Wake up!" a voice shrieked. Leah fluttered her eyes open to find herself in bed. Trying to remember what had happened the night before, the Weewoo sat up and looked around. For some reason Sage was lying on a mattress next to hers muttering something about five more minutes. The room looked as if someone got nails and wood and built it together like a clubhouse. The only light came from a crooked window opposite of the door with shower curtains framing it. Leah ran her wings back and forth on her forehead, trying to find out if she was still asleep.

"WAKE UP!" the voice repeated. Leah flinched and yelled back, "I'm up!"

"And what of Sagel...?"

"Who in the world is Sagel!"

"Don't play dumb, Lansel! Now get up or I'll beat you with a turkey leg!" At that point Sage was actually awake and attentive.

"Where are we?" Sage mumbled in his pillow.

"I'm trying to figure that out," Leah replied, sneering at the door. Then she was reminded of the book. Lansel and Sagel. The glowing pattern still stuck in her mind. She knew it couldn't be a coincidence.

"Well, I'm going to get some breakfast. That is, if we have anything besides cheese, celery, and muffins..." Sage chuckled and stood up from the mattress. The two glared at his clothing wide-eyed. He had on a traditional German outfit complete with suspenders and clingy shorts. Leah let out a soft giggle as Sage gasped and hid back under the sheets.

"Okay, I did NOT wear that to bed last night!"

"I don't even remember going to bed last night," Leah said curiously. "Perhaps..." Leah started, resting her eyes on the sheets in front of her. "...Perhaps we're in the Hansel and Gretel story!"

"What?" Sage asked in disbelief.

"Think about it. Lansel and Sagel, a woman with a German accent yelling at us, tight shorts..."

"How would we get here in the first place?"

"...Well, yesterday...when we were playing hide and seek, I found this chained-up book. It had the words Hansel and Gretel on it, but then it changed to Lansel and Sagel, and there was this light...and then...nothing..." Leah confessed. Sage raised an eyebrow as his lips thinned.

"Do you pay attention to anything we tell Nano?" Sage finally responded.

"Never mix cheese with yoghurt?"

"No. Well, yes. The other thing," Sage stammered. "Curiosity killed the cat."

"You know, cats don't just die from curiosity," Leah countered, followed by Sage giving a hopeless sigh. "If I don't make it out of here, what are you going to tell the cops? Curiosity did it?"

"Technically." Their conversation was interrupted by a plump German woman breaking down the door holding a turkey leg.

Leah stumbled out of the woods holding a pile of twigs. Although she begged to the German woman to switch chores with Sage, the woman was unmoved and insisted that the five-ounce bird get the firewood. Leah panted as she dropped the wood onto the ground.

"Okay, Sage. I have the firewood. How are you doing with the matches?" Leah asked between breaths. She got her answer when she looked up at the now burning house.

"Less then half an hour into the story and you already burned down the house," Leah sighed.

"I'm starting to feel like Plankton."

"Lannnnsel!" The German woman yelled in an opera voice. "What have you done!"

"I was getting the firewood!" Leah retorted.

"You couldn't have stopped your dillydallying for two seconds to see if our house wasn't engulfed in flames?"

* * *

"When do you think someone's going to find a babyfied woman next to some rubble?"

"Just shut up until we move on to the candy house part."

Leah and Sage continued walking through the woods until Sage made a sudden stop.

"Wait, in the original story, they leave crumbs behind so they won't get lost."

"And in the original story they didn't burn down their house."

"Good point," Sage admitted. "But still, it's a pretty good idea."

"I don't think I'll be going back to that German woman any time soon. Plus, the birds will just hoard it all. Those devils have been eying me since we got in here," the Weewoo whispered, sneering at a singing pigeon. The rest of the walk was silent until a cheese mallet flew out of a bush and hit Sage in the back of his head.

"WHAT IN DIN'S NAME-"

"Nano!" Leah cheered. The blue Shoyru poked her head out of the bush in reply and hopped in front of the two.

"I'm so glad you're here," Leah cried. Sage grunted and rubbed the back of his head. Nano picked up her cheese mallet and twirled it around like a top.

"Wait, there's no cheese mallet-wielding Shoyrus in the story," Sage reminded.

"I'm uh...I'm the fairy godmother," Nano declared.

"There's no fairy godmother either."

"Who cares, all right? This is the NTAG Hansel and Gretel!" Nano said in a heroic tone. "How did we all get here anyway?"

"I'll explain later, right now we have to find a house made of candy."

"Does...a house made of muffin work?"

"House made of...what?"

"Yeah, there's a muffin house not far from here." Sage and Leah exchanged confused looks and shrugged it off.

"Close enough...I mean this is Lansel and Sagela."

"That's Sagel! Er, Sage!" Sage argued. The three walked further into the woods until they stood opposite of an honest to goodness muffin house. The house itself was one giant muffin. Their eyes glistened at a giant version of one of NTAG's major food groups.

"I REALLY wish I had DA CHEESINATOR 2 right now," Nano mumbled. Conveniently, at that moment, a cloaked figure rushed out of the door cackling with a slightly familiar tone. Fear froze the adventurers as the figure took down its hood.

"What the...Dragonfly?" Nano asked in disbelief.

"Muahahaha! Yes! ...I mean uh...come in, sweet children."

"Dragonfly, it's us."

"Oh! Hi, guys!" Dragonfly said in a much less suspicious tone. "I didn't recognize you. Especially Sage..."

"What are you doing!" Leah interrupted. The little bird had a little temper.

"I don't know. I woke up in this muffin house in a witch's cloak. Now I just do odd jobs and lure children in here so I can transform them into Belle Dolls and put them up for sale." This comment made the other NTAGers inch away a bit. "Oh, but I won't do that to you guys, of course," she added with a nervous laugh.

Sage and Nano looked at Leah who nodded in agreement and they walked into the muffin house.

Looking around, Sage was the first to notice a huge pot on a stove. It didn't appear to be boiling at all but tiny squeals and pleas were erupting from it. He thought it was best to just keep quiet until Dragonfly left the room. Leah and Nano didn't seem to notice.

Perhaps it was because of the hot tub centering the room.

"Wow, Dragonfly! You never told us about the Jacuzzi."

"You never asked."

_Author's Note: You may be wondering, 'Hey, how can Dragonfly fit a 4-bedroom area in a 10-square foot muffin house?' I'd like to answer that with another question. How is it Leah can turn from a human to a Weewoo in .02 seconds? How is it the Cheesinator knows precisely what to cheesinate and what to leave alone? How is it merpotatodolls and puppies can go on reckless if not oddly romantic dates together? Compared to all that, the muffin house is like the little ketchup dispensers in your cafeteria. Normal._

"Guys, there's something wrong with all this," Sage said in a quiet voice. Leah and Nano were relaxing in the hot tub while Sage sat beside them with his arms around his legs.

"He's right, Nano. The water is getting a bit chilly." Nano nodded and set the dial on a higher temperature.

"That's not what I mean! Dragonfly is our friend and all, but I have a bad feeling about this."

"That's what Obi Wan said, and look at him. He's dead," Nano explained as Leah softly sobbed in the movie's memory. Sage sighed and looked back at the pot. He carefully walked closer to the pot and opened it. The girls looked up at Sage as he dropped the pot lid on the floor.

Hundreds of Belle dolls came rushing out, trampling Sage and looking for an exit. A few of the Belle dolls decided they wanted to swim in the hot tub and catapulted the girls out of it. No sooner did the commotion start than Dragonfly slammed the door open. Sage rubbed his head, glad that it didn't last long. The Belle dolls all froze and scurried back into the pot, trampling Sage again. Despite the fact all Belle dolls had been recovered, Dragonfly was furious.

"What have you done!"

Leah and Nano exchanged flustered glances and pointed accusing fingers at Sage. Dragonfly either didn't care or didn't notice and pushed them all down to the basement. They were all led into a cage and locked in there.

"What are you doing?" Leah asked, afraid to find out the answer.

"I'm gonna fatten you guys up and then turn you into Belle dolls!" Dragonfly announced with an evil cackle.

"How does fattening us up help any?" Sage asked. Dragonfly's eyes shifted around for a few seconds until she shrugged and ran back up to the top floor.

"We're doomed," Leah sighed.

"Why is that?"

"No NTAGer in their right mind would resist sugary food. We'll be as plump as she likes in no time."

"That's not entirely true," Sage said with a smirk. The girls looked up at him curiously. "I stole Dragonfly's contacts before she came back. If we just get something that looks like skinny versions of us she'll never be satisfied and we'll have more time to figure something out," he explained. The girls looked at each other and then back at Sage. They smiled and nodded in approval.

From then on Dragonfly started bringing down cheese and fudge for the three. They all couldn't help but eat every bite of it. Whenever Dragonfly came to see if Sage was plump, he held out a bone. Whenever Dragonfly came to see if Leah was plump, she'd pluck one of her feathers and hold it out. Whenever Dragonfly came to see if Nano was plump, Nano would shout, "You think I'm fat?" and hit Dragonfly over the head with the cheese mallet.

After being hit by the cheese mallet a dozen times, Dragonfly got impatient.

"Oh, forget it! I'll just turn you guys into Belle dolls!" Dragonfly sighed and unlocked the cage. She led them to a clear bottle. On it were bold letters that spelled, 'Essence of Belle Boll'. Before Dragonfly could even touch the bottle, Leah got out her ray gun and threw it at Dragonfly. Dragonfly stepped backwards and fell off a random 50-foot cliff.

"Talk about anticlimactic," Nano murmured and shook her head.

"Quick! Before she gets back up! How do we return to the NTAG house?" Sage asked.

"I don't know, just keep looking," Leah replied, tearing through the basement.

"Wait, uh...I'm the fairy godmother, I'll make some glass slippers!" Nano offered. She said random gibberish and pulled a pair of glass slippers out of nowhere.

"What the...Nano..." Leah sighed.

"Hmm, Leah's feet are too small and Sage can't seem to get out of that German outfit..."

"Shut up, Nano..."

"...I'll wear them myself!" Nano announced. She fit her feet into the slippers and began clicking them together.

"There's no place like home..."

"Nano!"

"There's no place like home..."

"Stop it."

"There's no place like home..."

"What's with the pointless crossovers?"

"There's no place like home..."

* * *

"Nano, you fell asleep again!" Belle scolded. The four NTAGers woke up in the middle of the Grand Hall. Dragonfly was back to her regular armor, Nano didn't have any slippers, and Sage had his red hoodie back. Everything was the way it was since they all left. Sage and Leah glared at Nano who was smiling with the pride of being right for once. Belle, who thought Nano was ignoring her, stormed off to the NTAG ocean.

"Who kicked sand in her tailfin?" Nano asked.

Belle basked in the warmth of the sun as she floated on the surface. She made a dive into the water and decided to go to the very bottom of the ocean for a change. She skimmed over the floor of the waters and bumped into a large object. She shook her head to gather her tranquility and saw that the object was actually a book. A book held together by rusty chains that were growing weary from the water. Belle raised an eyebrow and looked at the title. Cinderella? Belle thought to herself. She flinched as the words quickly changed to spell the title, Bellerella.

**The End**


	7. The Altador Cup

**The Adventures of NTAG**

The Altador Cup

**Author's Note: Krawk Island FTW. o:**

Neopia was in a competitive crisis.

News memos everywhere were watched intensively. The NT was under strict supervision in case of any new information. Avatar chatters everywhere were rejoicing the unveiling of a new "top of the page" board because it took all the n00bs. People who had trouble choosing sides in wars were now getting migraines from choosing from sixteen different sides. Casual gamer or rabid fan girl, it was hard not to notice the newest thing to hit Neopia.

The Altador Cup.

No doubt the word of the soccer tournament leaked its way into NTAG. In fact, NTAGers were training for it already.

"Did you just eat Seth?"

A blue-eyed Weewoo, a white Lupess, a Water Faerie, and a girl from the Earth Tribe stood in the courtyard of the guild. This was kind of like its backyard.

Belle knotted her eyebrows together. "Who's Seth?"

Leah pinched the space between her eyes and her beak as if the bridge of her nose was still there. "Seth is the fire Yooyu. Melon is the mutant Yooyu, Poncho is the snow Yooyu, and Susiebobjoedean is the faerie Yooyu."

Kathy scratched the back of her neck. "Why do they need names? Keeping up with their colors was hard enough..."

"And isn't Susiebobjoedean Sage's pillow?" Nimras asked.

"Yeah, but I name everything Susiebobjoedean. Now, guys. Let's not get distracted. You wanted to know how to control the ball, right?"

The others snorted. Kathy seemed to snort so loud it sounded like it hurt.

"Right. So, let's try with Seth again. And I repeat, Belle, did you just eat Seth?"

Belle locked her eyes on the ground and shifted her tail around in the dirt. "He looked like one of those Maraquan delicacies..."

Leah cocked an eyebrow and pointed a wing commandingly. "Spit it out."

"How do you expect me to get a living creature out of my stomach?"

"Throw him up, shrink him to the point where he comes out when you cough, transform your stomach into a three-way route, just get him out of there!"

"Uh, don't you have an extra Yooyu?" Nimras suggested, abstaining from seeing Belle experiment with herself.

"Well, I only took a few with me, so..." Leah paused as she shuffled around her duffle bag. Eventually she pulled out another fire Yooyu. "Looks like we have a new Seth," she pointed out, turning to Belle. "You are one very lucky Water Faerie."

"I'll keep that in mind," Belle said, holding her stomach.

* * *

Jake sat at a computer desk in the library, trailing the mouse across the mouse pad and clicking it every now and then. Constant uproars exploded from it, indicating the fact he was scoring constantly.

A familiar human clad in his usual hoodie and camo-jeans outfit slowed his pace when he spotted the loud computer.

"Hey...Jake?" he asked, looking over Jake's shoulder.

"Yeah?"

"Why are these flyers all over Neopia Central?"

"Oh, the Altador things? Yeah, it's like soccer but with these Petpets called Yooyus. We're currently in the second round." After finishing his sentence, the computer boomed out a whistling noise and the game turned to the score page. He appeared to be doing well. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

"Well, that's just it. I saw one of these commercials on TV, and it started to creep me out. It's like the whole site changed overnight," Sage explained, staring back at the flyer.

"TNT's sure taking this seriously," Jake murmured, nodding. He then suddenly began snickering. "Have you seen the Staff Tournament?"

Sage shook his head.

Jake recovered a bit from his chuckle. "They stuck each of the staff members with different teams. Dressed them up and everything. We're supposed to vote on who we think is going to make the top three."

"Why is that so funny?" Sage asked.

"Well, it's not so much the Tournament as it is the way Leah reacted to it. You should have seen her face when she saw TPOSG. I think Oliver's still recovering from his emotional scars."

Sage smirked and rolled his eyes. "Figures."

"And it seems Belle has taken a liking to the goalkeeper of Maraqua."

Sage widened his eyes and hit his chest as if he was mocking her. "Oh em gee."

"I thought you knew by now not to get on Belle's nerves."

Sage shuddered from past memories and then asked, "Where is everyone?"

"Most NTAGers are in the courtyard practicing for the Cup."

"Since when did we get a courtyard?" Sage asked. He paused for a second and added, "How long have I been gone?"

"It's actually quite new, so you don't have to worry all that much," Jake assured him. "We built it yesterday along with the rest of the house. Plankton had a very productive day, if you know what I mean."

"Okay, well I'd better..."

"You want to try it out?" Jake offered, pointing to the monitor.

Sage smiled and nodded. "Might as well."

Outside, Meep and her RSMs were basking in the warmth of the sun, serving as the audience for the training NTAGers. Dragonfly and Nut were practicing with each other using the snow Yooyu. In Leah's terms, "They were playing with Poncho." The group from before continued to be tutored by Leah, while Luau, Slamina, and Snowee practiced passing.

"Nut?" Dragonfly asked, bouncing the snow Yooyu off her head towards Nut's goal.

"Yeah?" she responded, blocking Poncho and making her way across the field.

"You know how, when we were building the courtyard, Nano was complaining about some ticking noise that kept ringing in her head?" said the elf, standing protectively in front of her net.

"I'm familiar with that," Nut sighed, trying to sneak up at an angle. Dragonfly was too occupied to notice her roll her eyes.

"I think I can hear it now, too."

Nut paused to give her a worried look. "Really?"

Dragonfly nodded, looking a bit ashamed.

"'Cause...I can faintly hear it too."

Dragonfly's head shot back at the Kiko in shock. "Really?"

"...No!" Nut giggled as she threw the Yooyu into Dragonfly's net.

Dragonfly's surprised face quickly turned into an irritated one. "Well, that was nice."

Nut did a short break dance before cheering at the sky. "I-I-I wo-on! I-I-I wo-on! Haha! I'm gonna take a victory lap around the-" Nut was cut off as a flash of light exploded in her face as she ran. Everyone's attention was fixed on the massive explosion. Dragonfly looked in horror at the wave of fire that engulfed Nut. They could do nothing but watch her trapped in the combustion. The vibrant fireworks calmed down, revealing a burnt Nut lying face-down on the ground.

Dragonfly ran over to her as fast as she could and tapped Nut gently on the back. "Nut? Nut, are you...are you...?"

Suddenly, the Kiko soared back into the air singing, "I-I-I wo-on! I-I-I wo-on!"

Dragonfly quickly went back to her irritated state. Several others laughed.

Nimras walked over from her position and sniffed some of the remains of the flare-up. "Dung bomb," she concluded, recognizing its distinct smell.

"Dung bomb?" Nut asked.

"Yeah, apparently Matt set a few booby traps before he left," Nimras said, smirking.

The elf walked over to a laughing Leah and grabbed her with one hand. "If Nut got that crude humor from you, I'm getting Belle to turn you back into that overweight fish."

Overhearing the situation, Luau shook her head. "It's amazing how people can die, but little tidbits can make them more alive than ever."

"Matt's technically not dead..." Slamina pointed out, throwing the ball to Luau.

"I know, but he still hasn't been seen in ages. Yet his dung bombs are still exploding in peoples' faces," Luau explained, passing it to Snowee.

"Oh, yes. That's exactly what we'll put on graves from not on. 'You were a great friend, and we really appreciate all the combusting Kau pies you left in our backyard. Rest in peace.'" Snowee sniggered.

"You have a point. I mean, something that came out of an unknown source's butt revamped into a deadly weapon does not make the best goodbye present," Slamina said, making a disgusted face.

"I'm just using this as an example!" Luau said before they went on. "Geez..."

"Yeah...I see where you're going with this. No matter what happens to a person, they'll always leave a mark on someone. Even if it's brown and sticky," Snowee said.

"It doesn't have to be sticky."

"Oh, god. I just ate lunch," Luau mumbled with an uneasy face.

"What was that?"

"Um...I said I've...got a hunch...that...Look! Flying cheese n00bs!" Luau shouted as she darted back inside the house.

"WHERE?" Meep shouted from the sidelines. "Do you see them, Carlen? I don't...I don't see it."

Carlen shook his head and mumbled something under his breath.

* * *

"How long has he been like this?"

"Few hours, maybe."

Jake, Nimras, and a group of other NTAGers huddled around Sage as he scored 11-0 repeatedly. This was a rare sight in itself, since it's almost impossible to score after nine wins. Without blinking, he could zoom Seth with ease, position Poncho just right, know exactly what Melon was going to do, and mastered Susiebobjoedean's harsh swerves. It was like a light had gone on in Sage, and now that it was on it would never burn out.

"Heh, looks like Sage's finally found something he's good at," Leah said wooingly.

"He must have won at least 200 games already!" Jake declared.

"No, I'd say it's more like 200 and three quarters," Leah corrected.

Jake was about to say something else when the computer buzzed the whistle tune and Sage quickly sent his score.

"Make that 201. Wait, Sage, slow down, I can't keep track of your score," the feathered girl complained.

Luau, Slamina, and Snowee came in from outside and slowly made their way to the huddle.

"What's going on?" Slamina asked.

"Watching Sage. How have you and Snowee been?" Nimras replied, keeping watch on the monitor.

"Oh, don't ask them. They'll just fill your mind with dark thoughts," Luau said in a creepy, timid tone.

"Technically, it doesn't have to be dark either-"

"Oh just SHUT UP!"

Nimras's ears perked down for a split second until she decided to change the subject. "Heheh, look how good Sage is doing while we've been hard at work training."

Tdyans stopped in the doorway of the library to glance at the pool of NTAGers crowded around a single computer. "Hey, what's with the..."

"Oh, hi, Tdyans! Guess what? We found one of Matt's dung bombs in the courtyard today! Isn't that funny?" Nimras yelled from across the room.

Tdyans, on the other hand, gave Nimras a horrified look. "NOT AGAIN! Prepare the escape pod!"

The next few minutes in the library were quiet as Tdyans's evasive rocket could be heard blasting off into the sky.

"Since when did we have escape pods?" Leah asked.

"Are you SURE I haven't been gone for that long?"

Yup. Just goes to show you, a hot trend to the rest of Neopia can mean a stomach-churning potty joke, new opportunity at gaming, or new try at the jet fuel for NTAG.

**The End**


	8. Battle of the Tribes

**The Adventures of NTAG**

Battle of the Tribes

A buzz of excitement was echoing through the halls of NTAG, and three returnees were to blame. They were the usual people who came back for months and then disappeared into thin air. Nano, who was leaning against her mallet bragging about the perils she faced in the EVPOD; Leah, who just wanted to make it through the day without getting a 'Welcome-back-to-NTAG' glomp; and Meep, who abstained from stretching the board and rejoiced with her Meepit, Carlen.

"I love how when people return, they come in groups," Nano said cheerfully over the uproar of NTAGers. Leah was about to nod when she was interrupted by a giant boomerang.

"Leah!" Meep cried.

"Hey, Meep," Leah replied happily.

"You didn't give me a birthday present!"

Leah blinked in confusion. "Wha?"

"My birthday was in _January!_"

"Really?"

"Yes. Now make me a present."

"…Look! Lutari Island!" the weewoo suddenly announced as she flew away. She escaped the Grand Hall and skimmed across the narrow halls. She was again interrupted, this time by a certain water faerie.

"Leah, have you seen Nano?" Belle asked. She seemed both curious and hot tempered.

Leah recovered from the sudden reunion and nodded. "Yeah, she's in the main hall."

"Ugh," Belle grunted as she stormed off toward the Grand Hall. Leah raised an eyebrow and decided to follow her.

"Nano," Belle started as she came in. Nano looked at her in reply. "Why is there cheese all over the Ocean Room?"

"Umz. I don't know." Nano shrugged.

"Oh! That's my cheese cake. Sorry for that, Belle," Luau apologized.

"Hold on. Why was the Cheese Tribe's cheese cake in the Water Tribe's Ocean Room?" Nano asked accusingly.

Belle snorted. "It's belongs to the Water Tribe. Luau technically made it."

"But AS the Cheese Tribe, we have legal rights to all cheese objects," Nano argued.

"Now, guys, don't argue over cheese cake…" Leah said.

"Don't worry," Belle assured her. "The only time an argument has gotten out of hand was when it ended in…"

"TRIBE WAR!" Nano screamed. "I declare a tribe war!" Belle seemed surprised at first; she then composed herself, nodded gravely, and retreated back to the Ocean Room to prepare.

This had come by Leah so fast she almost misunderstood what was going on. "Wha…why did you do that?" she asked.

"We're going to battle over the deeds to all the cheese cake. And somehow the other tribes will get involved as they always do," Nano explained, nodding.

Leah hit her over the head. "We don't need to end this in war! Didn't this already happen once? When I fortunately was not here?"

"Yup," Nano said cheerfully. She never seemed to stop nodding through the whole conversation. "And now I declared another one."

Leah hit her over the head again.

"Now there's a rare sight," a sarcastic voice said behind them. Leah and Nano turned around to see Sage with a pink hoodie drinking something out of a straw.

"What happened to…?"

"Meep doesn't know how to separate the lights from the darks," Sage sighed. "I noticed you changed your name, Leah."

"I didn't really _change _it, I more or less added a last name."

"Fawhy?"

"You see, my mom, Lord Jabu-Jabu, kept saying my name with 'Silverwing' at the end of it. It sounded pretty cool, so that's my last name from now on," the Weewoo explained.

"…First, how can your mom be a giant fish? And shouldn't it be Lady Jabu-Jabu, then? Second, Silverwing is a kind of fishing boat. I think by repeating that over and over he implied that you were a fish. He wants to_ eat_ you."

"Don't make fun of me just because I'm half deity fish! Even though I can't understand her, we're biologically impossible, she sometimes mistakes me for a white fish and tries to eat me, and she's a generally mean-spirited deity, she's my mom!" Leah whimpered.

"You need to stop going to the NTWF," said the human. He stared back at her with his "WTF" face and turned to Nano.

"What do you have against Lords?" Nano growled, raising her mallet intimidatingly.

"Nothing, the term Lord just seems masculine."

Nano mumbled something about turning his hoodie red again, so he decided to go to another subject.

"So what's new with you?"

"I started another tribe war!" Nano cheered, hurling herself at the ceiling. Her dramatic sequence somehow lost control and she crashed through the roof.

"A backwards roofle?" Leah asked, not amused.

Sage sighed. "You know, this is why I'm not in a tribe. It's all fun with physics until someone gets hurt."

Suddenly, Jake broke down the kitchen door with a flyer in his hands. "The final results of the Altador Cup are out!" Dragonfly appeared behind him.

"Oh! Let me see!" Leah said, flying to the flyer. Nano and Sage didn't have much participation in the Cup, but they followed anyway.

"Crap," Leah mumbled, staring at the paper. "Darigan lost."

"Weren't you on Krawk Island?" Sage asked.

"Krawk Island lost, too!" Leah cried.

"To be honest, I've been secretly rooting for the Haunted Woods," Dragonfly confessed.

"Don't tell that to Scheff…"

"WHAT YOU SAY?" Schefflera yelled from the top banister of the Grand Hall.

"I was for Haunted Woods," Dragonfly repeated.

"Don't go _telling_ her that," Leah whispered.

"Altador Cup War!" Scheff bellowed.

"Say WHAT?" the Weewoo retorted.

"Yay! Altador Cup War!" Dragonfly cheered, running back into the kitchen.

Leah slapped her wing against her forehead. "So you're telling me that we're having a war for the Altador Cup whilst having a war for the tribes?"

"It could be a peaceful war," Jake suggested.

"NTAG? Peaceful war? Do you realize how terribly oxymoronic that is?" said Sage.

"Hey, Microsoft Works is an oxymoron, too!" Nano said observantly.

* * *

"Hey, Plankton?" Belle asked. She and the pyromaniac were sitting in the library.

"Yeah?" replied Plankton, looking through the Neopian Times.

"I thought you might want to know that a gasoline truck crashed in the front lawn earlier this month."

Plankton slammed down the newspaper but didn't make eye contact with Belle. "What?"

"Yeah, the Water Tribe stored it in the…Water Tribe…storage…thing…but we're going to have to get rid of it sooner or later," Belle said nonchalantly.

"Belle, I need that gasoline."

"Well, I suppose…"

"You don't understand," Plankton interrupted. She turned Belle around and held her shoulders so she would look at her. "I _need _that gasoline."

Belle smirked. "I'd love to just give it to you, but I'm afraid I'll have to ask for something in return."

"I'll get you a glass of water."

"…"

"Yeah…okay, two glasses of water."

"Plankton…"

"Three? Oh, come on, Belle. I don't have that many glasses."

Belle groaned and blurted, "I mean an alliance with the Water Tribe!"

"An alliance with the…" Plankton murmured. "As in, Fire and Water Tribes?"

"Yes."

"Belle, do you realize how terribly oxymoronic that is?"

Belle gave her an indifferent stare and crossed her arms.

With a heavy sigh, Plankton folded her Neopian Times issue and said, "Fine."

* * *

"I have a feeling something's going to happen today," Leah said, looking at the sky.

"Oh?" said Oliver. They were sitting outside having lunch with Nimras and Kathy, while Nut and Sandy trained with the Yooyu. The recent Tribe War caused Leah and Nut to flash devious looks at each other from across the yard.

Leah was eating something from Wendy's, Nimras tried out Grey Cheese, and Kathy had nachos. Of all the times Leah stalked Oliver through the NeoCam, she had never once seen him eat anything. She decided to give the poor starving boy a beef sandwich instead of a chicken sandwich, because she didn't believe in eating birds.

"Yes. Something bad. Actually, I don't know if it's going to be bad. But it's going to happen," she explained.

"To who?" Nimras asked.

"I…don't know…but it's going to happen today, and it's going to happen to someone."

"Thank you for your brilliant observation," Oliver said with a sarcastic tone.

"Have you guys seen Belle or Nano? I haven't seen them all day," Kathy pondered.

Nut's eyes locked onto Leah's as she responded, "They're probably getting ready for the Tribe War."

"Oh, that's right. We're having _another_…" said Nimras.

"Leah!" Nano called from afar.

The Weewoo looked up from her Sprite and cocked an eyebrow.

Nano flew up to the Weewoo and grabbed her with one hand, taking her to the left wall of the house. "We need to prepare for the Tribe War! Where is Em?"

"Em went to Taco Bell to get us Beef Burritos."

"Excellent. What were you doing?"

"Eating lunch."

"Exce- Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're supposed to be gathering up people for the Altador Cup War."

"I am?"

"Yes!" Nano bellowed. "Besides Cheese and Water there are five other tribes—Fire, Shadow, Earth, Darigan/Meridell, and Air."

"And the only two remaining Altador Cup sides are Darigan and Haunted Woods…" Leah declared.

Nano beamed at her and nodded. "So I'm to meet with…uh…" She stopped when she realized how much more tribes there are than teams left in the Altador Cup. "I mean…_you_ are to meet with the tribe leaders, while I gather up the people for Darigan in the Altador Cup."

"What!" Leah retorted. "But you're the leader of the Cheese Tribe. Why can't you meet with the other leaders…?"

Nano fidgeted around for a moment until she yelled, "Look! Oliver's getting married to some other girl in the real world!"

"WHAT!" Leah sobbed, turning around frantically. "OOOOLIVERRR! NUUUUUUU! I LOVED YOUUU!"

"What are you going on abou…"

"OLIVER!" Leah cried, tackling him to the ground. "You aren't married after all!"

"I…what?"

* * *

Leah grumbled as she knocked on the door to the Shadow Tribe. She waited about thirty seconds before knocking it again. Another thirty seconds gone by, and she tried opening it. Locked. _Arrrrrrrgh whatthecrapwhatthecrapwhatthecrap…_

Her patience wore thin and she decided to just babify the door. "Nanook? Meep? Anyone?" She stepped in, slowly inching into the dark abyss. A cold draft immediately brushed against her feathers, giving her a disgustingly uneasy sensation. She squinted her eyes shut and held her wings close to her body. _This is it! This must be my sixth sense detecting an angry spirit that has somehow infiltrated the Shadow Tribe Room! _Before it could go on any longer, she escaped the room and tried to slam the door, forgetting that it was now a piece of wood.

"Hi, Leah," Chris said, conveniently walking towards the Weewoo.

Leah frantically snapped her head at Chris and picked him up. "Sacrifice!"

"Sacri…WHOA! No, no, Leah, wait-AUUGHH!" Chris cried as he was shoved into the room.

Next on the list was the Earth Tribe. Leah walked downstairs and passed a few hallways before appearing in front of the Earth Room. She gave three swift knocks on the door and waited. "Ten seconds. I'll give them ten seconds to open the door, or else…"

"Hi, Leah!" Kathy greeted, holding the door open for her.

"Hey, Kathy. Can I come in? It's about the war…WHOA! What happened to your shirt?"

"Meep doesn't know how to separate the lights from the darks…"

* * *

Dragonfly slouched in her beanbag, playing _Ocarina of Time: Master Quest _on one of NTAG's Gamecubes. As if beating the Water Temple on the regular game wasn't hard enough. She tried getting assistance from Leah, but the only thing Leah said to her all that morning was, "THE SHADOWS ATE CHRIS, THE SHADOWS ATE CHRIS!"

The elf drummed her fingers on the back of the controller. "No more small keys, no more available rooms. I'll go out on a limb here and say I'm stuck."

"Tell me about it."

At that moment, Dragonfly jumped from her beanbag, screaming as her head smashed through the ceiling.

All from shock.

"Geez, spazz much?"

Dragonfly fell from the ceiling, and landed back on her beanbag. Se swiftly got up, trying to flick some hair out of her face, and stuttered, "Who's there?"

"Oh! That's what you're worrying about. I…" The voice paused for a moment, cleared its throat and made a more heroic tone. "_I _am the Gaming God."

The flustered elf whinged in question.

"I overlook all video games and video gamers. I'm the one who decides who frags who. I'm the reason for any delay."

"So you're like an all-seeing god for us gamers…HEEYYY, it was _you _who delayed Twilight Princess?"

"Uh…ah…ahem…Yes, well…I've come to guide you through the Water Temple in Master Quest."

"And Resident Evil 4…?"

"…And through my teachings, I think you can surpass any challenge…"

"And The Godfather, come to think of it…"

"Speak no more!" the voice boomed.

Dragonfly nodded, but retorted, "I have one question, though."

"…Yes?"

"Do you know a human by the name of Sage?"

"Vaguely."

"Do you have something against him?"

"No. Why?"

"No reason."

The following day, a Weewoo was arrested for attempted murder. Apparently, after an anonymous human wrecked her room, she was distressed to find a hole in the floor of her helicopter room, the room just above the lounge. She blamed the nearest guild member and attacked. The guild member was found to be an annoying n00b, so they let her go within three hours of captivity.

Nano hung out in the kitchen, leaning over the counter of the new table they bought. It could take up about four or five bedrooms; for the hundreds of members they had to serve, they didn't sympathize.

Before long, Leah flew in the room, holding a sheet of paper in her feet. "I have the current sides!"

"Great! Lemme see," Nano said, not moving from her spot.

"Um…could you turn around or something? I need to…"

"I ate seven thousand metric tons of cheese in the last half hour, and you expect me to turn around?"

"…Yes."

Nano groaned and turned to the sheet of paper Leah was holding.

"Well, as you can see from the chart, The Earth and Air Tribes are on our side. The Water Tribe has the Darigan/Meridell Tribe on their side…"

"What about the Shadow Tri-"

Leah slammed the table with one wing and gripped Nano's shoulder with the other. "DON'T. ASK ME THAT."

"Um…oooookay…what about the Fire Tribe?"

"As strange as it seems, the Fire Tribe has joined with the Water Tribe."

Nano looked up from her cup and stared in horror at Leah. "That's insane!"

"I know, that's what I…"

"This cup has a built in straw! It lets water travel up, but not down! It's genius!"

Leah leaned back into her seat and thought out loud, "It'll sink in. It's got to sink in, right? Yeah, right…"

"THE-THE FIR TRIBE WIT DA…AN DA…PLANKTON!" Nano bellowed, running out of the kitchen.

"Haha, fool," Leah muttered, taking Nano's cup. "Now it is _I _who shall harness the…harness the…" She paused when she realized the built-in straw took the shape of a balloon. "THIS CUP HAS STOLEN CHRIS'S SOUL!" Leah cried, following Nano.

When she stepped into the Grand Hall, it seemed as if Nano and Belle were playing tag with heavy, dangerous weapons. But in reality they were just fighting. Belle swerved her Maractite Machete around to parry the strike of Nano's infamous Cheese Mallet. Leah was about to laugh when she saw that no one was paying attention.

She screamed at the top of her lungs to exceed the cheering and booing of the Tribes. As a last resort, Leah made an ear-piercing shriek to cease the fighting. The entire building paused and looked at the small bird. She then started laughing in mirth. "Ha! See? I knew something was going to happen to someone today! I'm psychic! I must have PMS or something!"

The whole room gawked at her in surprise. Leah shifted around in her place uncomfortably, wondering why everyone was giving her weird looks.

Finally, Oliver inched over to her and whispered something in her ear.

After he finished, Leah widened her eyes at him and blushed a deep red. "Oh. Right. The term is _ESP_. Okay…continue."

Nano and Belle continued as if nothing had happened. With the help of her wings, Nano did seven back flips in a row, all avoiding Belle's machete. On the eighth swing, Nano shot her foot out, striking Belle's fin and causing her to fall on her back. As she fell, Nano collided her mallet with Belle's machete, but Belle held onto her weapon for dear life. She held the cheese mallet with her free hand and struck with the machete with the other. Nano barely dodged it and pulled her mallet away from Belle. They glared at each other, ready to fight again, until Meep ran into the Grand Hall.

"Kikomia is gonna blow up the house!"

"Who?" Leah asked.

"Kikomia is Meep's real life friend. She blows up the house without actually being in it," Dragonfly explained.

The battling NTAGers walked to the front lawn to see that Leah wasn't the only one stealing weapons from Link -- powder Kegs lined the outer walls of the house. Each of their strings was attached to one huge rope. Kikomia held the rope in one hand and a lit match with the other.

"Don't do it, Kikomia, don't do it!" Meep said, shaking her head at her friend in disapproval.

Kikomia responded by beaming and nodding her head back at Meep. She slowly touched the match with the rope.

Cries and warnings buzzed through the air as everyone hurried to get away from the explosion. The rope quickly reduced to each of the individual threads. All of the powder kegs were only an inch away from imploding.

Just when they thought the house was gonna blow, a giant shadow engulfed the entire NTAG territory. They all slowly looked up as a huge fish crashed into the house. The roof collapsed under it and bits of smoke and wall flew everywhere. Because of the impact, every single powder keg was crushed before it could blow. After the remains of the house settled down, Leah recognized the figure and gasped in joy.

"Mommy Jabu-Jabu!" cried Leah, running up to the deity. She gave her mother a hug as the fish whipped out a tray.

Jabu-Jabu gurgled something in an inhuman voice, which Leah assumed meant "I made you cookies," but actually meant "Jump on the tray, I'm going to eat you."

So in the end, the house was saved from the fire, but it was still destroyed. But everyone was rewarded for their efforts by receiving a cookie. Except for Luau. Nut got back in line as her Belle Doll form and claimed she was her cheesecake-loving friend. But then Luau got a cookie for her missed birthday, and then everyone who had birthdays between chapter seven and chapter 9 of AoN got all mad so Jabu-Jabu made extra cookies.

But eventually they blew the house up anyway. I mean it's the Fourth of July, come on.

**The End**


	9. Back to School Shopping

**The Adventures of NTAG**

Back-to-School Shopping

By conventional means, we can all agree the apocalypse is among us when Leah starts talking to the television screen. This particular day, she was not only talking to it, she was talking to her arch nemesis. The queen of everything annoying, wrapped into one tiny six-year-old Hispanic girl.

Dora the Explorer.

_"Look at our friend, King Bobocussacito! He's wearing a boot on his head instead of a crown! Isn't that silly?"_

"Uh...sure."

_"Boots don't go on your head! Where do boots go?"_

"You know what, he can shove it up his-"

_"That's right! On your foot!"_

_"Oh, Dora! I have to find my crown so I can wear it to my Mama's birthday party!"_

"Really...you know, some grog and a few hay fever pills knock old people right out. I doubt she would notice..."

_"Say map!"_

"I-I don't see the point in..."

_"LOUDER!"_

"I DON'T SEE THE POINT IN SHOUTING THE NAME OF AN INANIMATE-"

_"I'm the MAP! Repeat after me!"_

"Oh, uh, oka-"

_"Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing!"_

"Oh, for f-"

_"So tell Dora, you have to go to the fountain first!"_

_"Where do we need to go first?"_

"I don't know. In between all that crap your talking equipment tried to shove into my brain, and the constant buzzing of that background music..."

_"The fountain!"_

_"Oh, I don't see the fountain, Dora."_

_"Do you see the fountain?"_

"It's right outside the window you JUST opened. It's blowing water into the air like Free Willy."

_"Heh, THERE's the fountain! Let's go!"_

_"Uh oh, Dora! The door won't open!"_

_"I remember how to open the door! You're supposed to count to five!"_

_"Let's count!"_

"Why would you make a door where all you have to do to unlock it is to push five buttons in the standard order? That doesn't make any..."

_"One! Two! Three! Four! Five!"_

_"Uh oh! The crocodiles in the lake are snapping at us! Snap back with your hands! Stretch out your hands and-"_

"In my day, we used to tell someone off by snapping our _fingers_."

_"Great job! Do you see the fountain? Where is the fountain?"_

"...Um...Over...To the..."

_"There it is!"_

"Gah! Stupid blue arrow! I so would have found that!"

"Leah? What are you doing?" Chris asked, stepping into the lounge.

"That god-awful child makes me feel so worthless..." Leah mumbled into a pillow.

"The rest of the educated NTAGers are out shopping for school supplies. You wanna come?"

"Oh. Yeah. Sorry, Chris. I'm busy negotiating with Dora here."

"...You...what? Maybe you should take a break," Chris suggested, picking up the Weewoo and putting her down in the doorway.

"I guess you're right," Leah sighed.

"As always."

Leah closed the door behind her and brushed off her wings.

_"WE'RE WATCHING YOU, LEAH!"_

She jumped in surprise and slowly creaked the door back open. On the screen was Dora, looking as innocent and annoying as ever.

_"Do you see the garden?"_

"Leah?"

"Coming..." she whimpered.

* * *

The young members of NTAG entered the Back to School Shop. Rebuilt in the Neopian Plaza, the shop never had much business after NeoSchool was cancelled. Throughout July and August, though, people would come for supplies in the "real world" as Nimras would call it.

Leah unfolded her 8th grade supply list and got her handy-dandy pen out. "Okay...first on the list...paper...heh...well, that's generic enough. Now, I just need to..." Leah stopped dead in her tracks and dropped whatever she was holding. She stared straight into the sacred section of any store – the electronics section.

"Well, it wouldn't hurt to just swing by, and..."

_"Do you see the swing?"_

Leah spun around and nervously scratched her head. "Wh...what? Who's there?"

_"Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing! Fountain, garden, swing!"_

"No! Leave me alone! Leave me be!" she cried, running into the electronics section. She stopped to marvel at a wide-inch monitor before she caught an interesting sight at the check-out desk.

"I don't care if it isn't priced yet, I want a preorder!"

"Ma'am, we have numerous other fans of the series wanting the same thing. Now, if you'll please..."

"Dragonfly?"

The elf and cashier turned to Leah, both wearing frustrated expressions.

"Oh, hi, Leah. Hold on, I'm trying to get this jerk to sell me a preorder of Twilight Princess."

The Weewoo bowed her head so Dragonfly could see the sarcastic glimmer her eyes showed. "The Wii version? Haven't I told you the prices for that is all speculation right now?"

"Thank you!" the cashier mouthed to Leah, while Dragonfly still had her attention off of him.

"But Leah, I want NTAG to have this game the day it comes out! What if it sells out, or...or if they have a shortage of Wiis?"

"I don't think you'll have to worry about that."

Leah glanced at the cashier. "Why is that?"

"Everyone knows girls can't play video games. I doubt either of you could finish this game in the next century," he teased, snorting with laughter.

Leah and Dragonfly gave him a grim glare, silently preparing their weapons.

"These boots were made for walking, but they can do other things, if you catch my drift," Dragonfly threatened.

_"Boots don't go on your head! Where do boots go?"_

Leah shook her head, trying to get that voice out of her head.

On the other side of the store, Sage and Nimras were checking out the various writing utensils. Nimras, of course, wasn't there for school supplies. She had the entertaining hobby of asking where the showers were and then attacking the clerks with her cheese grater when they told her they had none.

"I never realized you needed so much pencils for school!" Nimras gasped, taking a handful of markers and colored pencils.

"You don't," Sage explained. He pulled a box of pencils and black and blue pens. "Just because it's on the shelf doesn't mean it's a school requirement. Most of this it for the office, anyway."

Nimras picked up some pencils and started grating their erasers off. "They should at least organize it so that you actually realize what you're buying."

Sage winced as the cheese grater started shaving off the metal of the pencils. "Um...Nim...?"

"Hmm?" she responded. She finished turning the pencils into dust and moved onto a stool left by one of the staff.

"Nothing," he sighed, pushing the cart out of the isle. Before the white Lupess could disappear from his sight, he caught a glimpse of her breaking off one of the shelves. He continued to the electronics section where Leah was staring blankly at a computer screen, letting her wings type freely across the keyboard. Sage stopped the cart and left it to see what she was up to.

As he snuck up behind her, he saw that she had a word document open. Continuously written on the screen, in big bold letters, were the words, "Fountain, garden, swing."

Sage's eyes widened in concern as he tried talking to her. "Leah? Leah, why are you typing this?"

Leah stopped in the middle of her monotonous list and turned to the human.

"...Why don't you have your shades on? Leah..."

In one move, Leah pulled a leather boot out from nowhere and shoved it on Sage's head. "BOOTS DON'T GO ON YOUR HEAD!"

Sage pulled off the boot and threw it to the floor. "Leah, I think you need to clear your head for a while. Where's your list?"

Leah chirped back at him and showed him an origami crown. "I found your crown, King. Now you can wear it to your mommy's birthday party."

Sage snatched the crown from her hands and unfolded it. "Okay. You need a lot of the things on my list. Take my cart, and find whatever else you need, okay?"

Leah's eye twitched as she was placed in the cart. "Will the crocodiles snap at me if I don't?"

"What...? Uh, sure. The crocodiles will snap at you if you don't. Now go!" Sage recovered her shades, placed them back on her face, and gave a the cart a gentle shove out of the electronics section.

Elsewhere in the sacred section, Nut was watching the high-def TV while Chris was playing World of Warcraft on one of the PCs. Belle emerged from the notebook isle and sat down next to Nut. "What are you watching?"

"Something from real life. This guy, Ted Stevens, he says a large amount of material is clogging his tubes."

Belle gave her a horrified look and asked, "What kind of shows are you watching?"

"Oh...uh...It has old people in fancy buildings."

"Law and Order?"

"No, the real thing."

"Divorce Court?"

"_Older_ people."

"OH! Politics!" Belle exclaimed. "Well, why are you watching politics?"

"It's like my own little soap opera. This guy will be like, 'Gas prices are too high!' and this other dude will be all like, 'Oh no you didn't!'"

"That's why you're watching politics?"

"That," Nut started, looking around the store nervously. "And the fact someone's after me."

"What?"

"Yeah. It's been going on for a few months actually. This guy is stalking me."

"Sounds fun. So what's up with Chris?"

"After he found out they have a demo of the new expansion pack for WoW, he's been playing non-stop. If you look at his paw closely, you can still see where he stapled it to the mouse."

"Creepy. Hey, I'm gonna go play with the plumbing in the bathroom, you wanna..."

When Belle looked back, she realized a bunch of tranquilizers and a ransom note sat where Nut was.

"Oh, I guess I'll go by myself then."

* * *

"Okay, let's see what you got," Sage said, inspecting Leah's cart. "Wow. Okay. A ballpoint fountain pen, a single 'garden' colored crayon, and a workbook entitled King on a Swing."

Leah's eye twitched for a second before she responded, "Yes. That my favorite. We go home now."

"Okay, Sage..." the human mumbled to himself. "Nimras has reduced half the store to dust, Leah has developed a case of chronic insanity, Dragonfly is on a mass murder spree, Belle flooded the bathroom, Chris has stapled himself to a computer, and Nut is being stalked. How am I going to get out of this one?"

Leah's dazed eyes looked up at Sage. "King Bobocussacito, don't give up now. We passed the fountain and the snake garden, and the only thing left is the swing. Even though you are forgetful and you can't seem to find your crown, I believe in you. Boots go on your feet, Bobocussacito. Boots go on your feet."

"...I swear, sometimes you say something so ridiculous that it actually sounds important. I bet you could make Dora the Explorer sound serious."

"Map!"

"I'm just kidding. No one can make Dora the Explorer sound serious."

"Backpack!"

"You're right. We should call Nano."

"Swiper no soliciting! Swiper no soliciting! Swiper no soliciting!"

"Aw man!" Sage suddenly cried. "I forgot. Nano hasn't been here all summer."

"¿La Shoyru de Queso es perdida?"

"Alright, we'll just burn everything to the ground. Always helps us in NTAG."

"Did someone call?"

Sage and Leah turned around to find Plankton grinning with a ball of fire bursting from her hand. "That'll work."

**To Be Continued**


	10. Mystery of the CHEESINATOR 2

**Adventures of NTAG**

Mystery of the Cheesinator 2_  
_

**Disclaimer: Yo momma so whack, she don't even have the grounds to sue me in a court of law.**

**BURN!**

Yes, folks. It's that holly jolly time of year when peace and prosperity are spread far and wide. When friends and family have to spend money on half-way decent gifts for once. When snacks are left out for a deranged northern man who's had way too much to eat as it is. When little children come to your doorstep singing Christmas Carols so annoyingly incorrectly that it makes you want to bash your head in, pin down that kid in the back who doesn't seem to know harmony from holmium, and scream in his face that the only donation he'll ever get from a performance like that is a coupon for Waffle House.

On a snowy morning of Christmas Eve, NTAG was participating in the entertaining traditions of the holidays as well; unpacking and decorating, preparing for another seven consecutive days of their lives to be spent relaxing and enjoying each other's company. Nut was one of the few actually packing things back into their boxes, storing away the last few things from the Hanukkah celebration. She carefully handled a silver Menorah off of a table and floated back to the cardboard box.

"What's up, Nut?" a familiar voice purred.

Nut came to an abrupt stop and turned around. Then left. Then right. Then-

"Up here, silly."

Nut looked upwards and came face-to-face with a Kougra, who was hanging by her tail from the banister. "Hey, Plankton," said Nut, a smirk merged on her face.

"Ohh! A Menorah! Is it flammable?"

Nut raised an eyebrow, knowing exactly where this was heading. "The candles are, I suppose..."

Plankton's eyes lit up with the same glimmer every NTAGer knew all too well, as it was usually followed by the destruction of the mansion. "Candles are so hypnotic. Especially with nine candles...Say, can I..."

"No," Nut said sternly. "Besides, Hanukkah ended last night."

Plankton frowned in defeat, but then quickly asked, "Isn't there twelve days of Hanukkah?"

"What?" Nut snapped. "No. Look, I need to pack all of this back in the basement, so could you please..."

_THUMP. _Plankton's tail had let go of the banister, letting her fall straight on her head. "Please, Nut!" the Kougra pleaded, still upside-down. "I'll just burn the candles, promise! I won't burn the house down or create a bonfire from all the furniture from the lounge or anything!"

Nut groaned, lowering her shoulders from frustration. "If you finish packing the rest of the Hanukkah stuff for me...Sure, why not?"

The glimmer returned to Plankton's fiery eyes as she back-flipped back to her normal stance and swiped the Menorah from Nut.

"But you have to _promise_ not to burn anything but that, okay?"

Plankton gave a swift nod and ran back across the Grand Hall and up the stairs, the same mischievous grin plastered on her face.

"That was pretty mean, you know," Moofi said, coming up from behind Nut. "Not telling Plankton that you had already removed the candles from the Menorah, I mean."

"She'll figure it out," Nut assured her, beaming.

"While I'm here, I wanted to ask you; have you seen Nano?" Moofi asked.

Nut stared at the ceiling, trying to remember. "No, I don't think so. Last time I saw her was last night at dinner."

"That's what I was afraid of," Moofi sighed, perking her brown ears down.

"What's wrong?"

"Well," Moofi started, looking away. "Nano always...does certain things every Christmas."

Nut raised her eyebrows in curiosity. "What things?"

"Like she pulls pranks and embarrasses people...I guess she mistook it for April Fool's and made it an ongoing tradition," Moofi explained. "She told me last night to watch out, and now I'm really nervous."

"But she didn't do anything last year."

"Yeah, see, that was supposed to be the whole asparagus ordeal. But after Adam ruined the surprise, she's sure to do it this year even bigger and better."

"I wouldn't worry too much about Nano. She gets distracted with chasing her own tail so much she wouldn't be able to put a sandwich together in proper order, much less plan a-"

"NO!" a distressed Tdyans cried from the basement.

The decorators in the Grand Hall stopped what they were doing and looked at the large basement door.

"What was that?" Moofi asked frantically.

Nut had a worried expression, but quickly tried to keep a stern face. "Let's find out," she said, floating to the basement door.

Deep inside the germ-infested brain-washing enigma of the basement, Tdyans, Slamina, Brains, Sage, and Chris formed a crooked half-circle around a tree made of pure cheese. Nut and Moofi exchanged devastated glances and ran to the tree.

"What's happened here?" Nut asked.

Brains turned to the girls with a saddened face. "It's our Christmas tree," he explained. "We stored it here a week ago, and now when we came to carry it up to the Hall, we found it like this."

"I told you!" Moofi whispered to Nut.

The basement door opened and shut again, and everyone turned to see who was running down the stairs.

"Good glompers!" Nano cried, speeding down the stairs once she saw the tree. Leah and Nimras followed her soon after. All three of them had a different color of paint on themselves.

"Nano!" Slamina yelled from across the half-circle, marching up to the Shoyru. "What have you done to our tree!"

"Nothing! But whoever did do this totally pwns!" Nano cheered, beaming.

"Nano..." Slamina grumbled.

"I'm serious. I was finger painting with Leah," Nano said, putting a hand on her bird friend.

"But I was foot painting," Leah corrected. "I don't have any fingers."

"And unless your stubs of hands have the remarkable ability to change into fingers, neither do you," Slamina said to Nano.

"Wait," Nimras interrupted. "I recall foot painting with Leah without Nano there."

"No, no, you definitely paw painted," Leah remarked.

"Wait, who was painting with who?" Sage asked, scratching his head.

"Leah was painting with me..."

"Wasn't Nano there?"

"I don't know, did you see her?"

"I think I did."

"I wanna eat the cheese tree!"

"Well, I remember making a Nova Lisa with my paw prints, and I remember you were making some sort of...abstract...thing."

"It was the dark, suffocating image of myself when I didn't get the winter sidebar last year. And how if I don't get it this year, I'm going to cut myself to see if I'm bleeding red and green out of festive depression."

"Oh yeah."

"Cheese."

"But I didn't see Nano's painting anywhere, so I just assumed..."

"I think hers was the one with the Eiffel Tower and the moon."

"How do you know it was hers?"

"They both relate to cheese, duh."

"Cheese."

"Wait, wait, so then where was Nano through all of this?"

"I think she was to your left."

"The printer was to my left, wasn't it?"

"No, the printer was to my right."

"You were to my left?"

"No, I was to your...wait, were we even in the same room?"

"...Yeah...come to think of it, I didn't even see you."

"Now I remember. We weren't even painting at all."

"Wait," Tdyans objected, closing her eyes in confusion. "Did you two or did you two not see Nano at all today?"

"Uh...no," Leah and Nimras responded in unison.

"In that case," stated Tdyans, "I'm putting Nano on probation. I'll look more into this when we have more proof. Leah, I'm leaving you to do detective work on the matter."

Leah seemed a bit startled at this, but nodded approvingly. Tdyans and Slamina walked back up the stairs, striking up a conversation about how this never would have happened in a normal guild before closing the door behind them.

"Finally!" Nano cheered. She zoomed over to the tree and closed her mouth onto the naturally made cheddar.

"Nano!" complained Chris, trying to pry her off.

Moofi groaned. "There's no use, Chris. I vote we just go play Melee."

"And on the twenty-fourth day of the twelfth month, Leah butchered Sage at Super Smash Brothers, and it was good," Leah proclaimed. She held her wing to her chest dramatically, unaware that it only got more paint on her.

* * *

Dragonfly stood outside the guild house, wrapped up in several coats and scarves. A gentle layer of snowflakes floated around her, covering everything directly exposed to the sky in snow. It had been a few hours since the cheese tree was found, but the decorators were still working. As such, the only reason Dragonfly was standing in the cold was to assist Leah with decorating the house with lights.

The Weewoo wasn't too fond of the weather either, as most birds had already flown south while she was a good thousand miles from them doing housework. "I mean, I'm always glad to be the NTAG detective, but I never expected to have another Christmas mystery on my to-do list. You know?" she said conversationally, placing the strip of lights along the frame of the door.

"Don't worry. After Nano gets over herself and decides to confess, the only detective work you'll have to deal with is deciding what present to open first," Dragonfly muffled under her scarf.

"I'm not quite sure she's the one who did it," Leah said. "I may have not seen her, but I have a feeling she's innocent for once. There's just...not enough things proving it."

"There's not a lot of things disproving it either," Dragonfly countered. "Anyway, what evidence did you find while investigating the basement?"

"You mean besides nothing?" Leah moaned. "Because that's all I found. What's worse is that the situation just doesn't add up. The original Cheesinator was large. And heavy. It required both me and Nano to carry it upstairs, remember? So if a precise replica of it was made with an extra component in it that prevents the cheese from spreading, it must have been larger, if not the same size."

"NTAG works in mysterious ways. Just give it time, I'm sure you'll figure it out," Dragonfly consoled.

"Thanks," Leah grinned, stapling the end of the stream of lights to the door frame. She trotted along the snow as she perked her head to the side. "Oh look, the Mail Lenny is here."

Fifty-or-so yards away, behind the gate and warning signs, the Mail Lenny descended to the guild's mailbox. The Lenny had been wiser than he was in his first attempts to deliver NTAG mail. If he wasn't careful, it wouldn't just eat the letters he fed to it. After keeping a safe distance away from the mailbox, the Lenny did what most would think as suicide; he flew over the gates. He mostly had to do this when delivering special packages.

He slowed down when he spotted Dragonfly and Leah, coming down a few feet away from them. "I'm looking for a Miss Dragon?"

"That's me," Dragonfly responded, walking to him.

While the Mail Lenny was asking her to sign and initial every which way, Leah couldn't help but ponder over something.

"Okay, here you go."

"Thanks." Dragonfly waved to the Mail Lenny, then carried the box back towards Leah. "Did you see him? He had the dorkiest goggles on!"

"It's a pain trying to fly in cold wind. Believe me, I've tried," Leah pointed out. "Say, why was he calling you Dragon? Isn't that just my nickname for you?"

"It sort of stuck," Dragonfly laughed nervously. "You pretty much changed my name."

"Cool!" Leah cackled. "Hey, you wanna go play with the Wii after we get something to eat?"

Dragon gave a sigh of relief. "I thought you'd never ask."

"What's in that box anyway?"

"Another Wii controller," Dragon boasted. Her mouth was hidden underneath the scarf but her eyes made her look happy.

"Wow. Ehm. Okay."

* * *

Belle, Mashy, Nut and Leah sat around one of NTAG's three large living rooms, watching TV and wrapping up gifts. At four in the afternoon, NTAG was finally done with all the decorations.

"Darn, this box is too big," Nut complained. "I hate when store clerks lie to me!"

Without blinking, Leah aimed her raygun at the box, fired, and put it back cowboy-style.

Belle looked curiously at Leah and asked, "Your raygun looks different somehow."

Leah wrapped a miniature bow on one of the smaller presents with her feet and turned to Belle. "It's new. I misplaced my old one a week or so ago..."

Mashy gave a concerned look. "Oh, that's horrible."

"Nah, it was getting a bit glitchy anyway. It's nice to have a new one."

"So, Leah, is it true that Nano cheesinated our Christmas tree?" Nut asked.

"I'm still figuring things out. At this point, I don't know if she has or hasn't."

"Well, Moofi told me something about Nano earlier today," Nut said. "It was before the tree was found and everything. She said that Nano celebrates Christmas like she celebrates April Fool's Day. And how her asparagus raid last year was supposed to be one of her pranks."

Leah scratched her head. "Hmm...that may very well be true. I'll look into it."

Suddenly, a frantic call for Leah exploded in the Grand Hall. The caller seemed to sound a bit like Sage.

Leah groaned and trotted out of the living room. "Probably got his foot stuck in the toilet again..." She made her way to the banister and slid down the railing of one of the Grand Hall's curving stairways.

"Leah!" Dragon called more calmly. "I'm so glad you're here."

The Weewoo gave a nod but went over in her mind whether it was more insulting to Sage that she mistook him for a girl or more insulting to Dragon that she mistook her for Sage.

"You want more proof that Nano's the culprit? Just look what she did to the guild Wii!"

Leah's heart dropped even before Dragon held out the cheesinated mechanism that was once Leah's only source of entertainment for the past month.

"And look what she did to Ember!"

Kathy's eyes filled with tears as she held out her purring cheese tiger.

The detective gave them both devastated looks. At that moment, she knew this was not a mystery to be taken lightly. Kathy and Dragon suddenly gave her angry looks, until she found out they were glaring at someone behind her. Leah turned around to see Nano skipping along the floor of the Grand Hall.

"Nano!" the angry duo yelled.

Nano turned to them and beamed. "Hi!"

"GET OVER HERE!"

Nano continued grinning and trotted along to their position. "What's hangin'?"

"Did you cheesinate the Wii?"

"Yeah, or Ember?"

"Umz, no," Nano replied.

"Oh please!" cried Dragon. "Who else would want to do this?"

"You know, in my defense, all cheese things look the same to me. You might want to describe in detail what it is you're fretting about."

Dragon roared in frustration and placed an arrow in her bow threateningly.

"Nano, can I talk to you privately?" Leah frantically murmured. She didn't give her much choice, as she pushed her to one of the hallways before Dragon could go any father.

Apparently, there was some sort of three-legged race going on in that particular hallway, so Leah led Nano into one of the closets and turned on the light. "Nano, I want you to be completely honest with me."

"Ja, hokay."

"What were you doing before Dragon and Kathy found all the cheese stuff?"

"I was singing Cheesy Christmas Carols to one of the new members. She thinks I'm her iPod Nano, you dig?"

"So if I ask her, you're sure she'll say what you just said to me?"

"Hmm...well, after 20 seconds, she either passed out from all the harmonious noise or fell asleep because of me soothing lyrics."

"Then there's really no proof saying you didn't do it."

"Well...I guess not."

Leah gave a disappointed sigh. "Look, I don't want you to get in trouble. But if it gets out of hand, I'll have to go by the evidence instead of your word, okay?"

Nano slowly nodded. "Okay."

For the rest of the day, the NTAGers finished up their gifts and placed them all on the center rug, while Tdyans got a replacement tree and had it fully decorated by 10 pm -- the time most NTAGers crash.

* * *

Sage shifted around in his bed. He opened his blurry eyes for a moment to see that it was apparently six in the morning. _Oh joy. Merry Christmas to me. _Most of the NTAGers were probably still sleeping, so he rested his head back on his steel-plated pillow. Something seemed to bump into him repeatedly through the night, like an affectionate cat or someone with a poking obsessive compulsion disorder. After another bump, Sage had enough of it and opened his eyes again to see Nano sitting upright in his bed.

"ACK! NANO!" Sage screamed, trying to leap out of his bed. He yelled as he crashed back to his original position.

"There's really no use trying to separate yourself from me," Nano mumbled nonchalantly. "I superglued our hands together."

Sage rubbed his head and snapped, "What are you doing in my bed? And...why in Din's name did you superglue yourself to me?"

Nano stared at the frantic human. "Because I'm tired of everyone accusing me of cheesinating everything! I know I'm probably the only person who would do that, but if I say I didn't do it, then I didn't do it!"

"But why did you feel it was necessary to superglue...?"

"If you're with me every waking moment, then that'll prove that I'm innocent," Nano grinned.

"Then superglue yourself to the pole outside for all I care, I'm not going to..."

"Whoa, this glue must have made me high or something. I feel all funny..." Nano moaned. She stood up, climbed onto Sage's head and curled up into a ball.

"Get. Off. My. Head."

Nano sighed sleepily and rubbed her head comfortably in the human's messy hair.

Sage roared and tried to shake his head around, which was quite difficult to do since his right hand was on his head as well as Nano. He flailed out of his room, down the hallway, and fell down the large ring of stairs in the Grand Hall.

"Get her off of me!" Sage wailed, bashing his head into the wall.

The constant bashing seemed to have knocked one of the larger presents over, wrapped entirely in cheese to signify that it was for Nano.

"Cheese!" Nano shrieked, leaping off of Sage's head. She seemed to have forgotten about their superglued hands though, so she stopped short of her leap and brought Sage with her as they tumbled to the ground.

Sage stood up slowly and shook his head. "Dear Din, you're really out of it, huh?" he said to himself. He groaned as he began carrying the Shoyru back upstairs.

* * *

Fast forward three hours, every NTAGer far and wide was in the Grand Hall opening presents, glomping, and playing with their new items.

"Dragon, open your present."

"But I kind of feel like badgering the Nintendo Repair Service right now…"

"BADGER LATER OPEN NOW!" Leah bellowed.

Dragon groaned as she tore off the wrapping of her gift. She opened the box that was left and held out what was inside.

"Is...this a...Spectral Forest Bow??"

"No, it's Nim's dirty laundry."

"Leah, how are you able to afford things like this for twelve of your friends?" Dragon asked.

"I sold off the codestones and potions I've found along my way in the year I've been in NTAG. It was quite easy, actually."

"Wow," Dragon mouthed, inspecting her new bow. "You really do spoil me too much."

"Yeah, I basically went and did everything Nano told me not to do, including buy her an expensive gift. She may not be too happy with me."

"Speaking of Nano, where is she? She should have been up bright and early to open her cheesy presents."

Leah pulled out a Nintendo DS. "I reconfigured this thing while I was bored in Nano's stomach so it would track where she was in the world." She tapped a few times on the touchpad and grinned. "Says here she's in Sage's room."

"That's not a pretty combination," Dragon whinged, looking worried.

"Come on," Leah urged, standing up. "Let's go find them."

Dragon and Leah went around the Grand Hall, climbed up the stairs, and entered the left hallway. They stopped when they found the second door to the right; commonly referred to as the human's room. Being the polite Weewoo she was, Leah decided to knock before she broke down his door.

"Sage? Saaaaaaage...where are you hiding Nanna?" Leah called.

"Are you blind or something? I'm right in front of you," Sage retorted. He was sitting on his bed, sawing the superglue that was stuck on his and Nano's hand while Nano was sprawled on the bed and as high as a kite.

"What did you do to her?" Dragon demanded.

"Nothing. She got all mad at everyone accusing her of turning everything into cheese, so she superglued herself to me."

Leah hopped onto the bed and waved a wing in front of Nano. "Nano? Hello?"

A figure could be seen running across the hallway through the open door. It made an abrupt stop when it saw the four of them through the corner of its eye.

"Jake?"

"Leah!" the Skeith cried. "You have to come down to the Grand Hall! The Cheesinator 2 has struck again!"

Leah gave him a stern nod. "Sage, Dragon, let's go." The Weewoo and her elven friend raced out of Sage's room heroically.

"Um...I'm kind of chemically fused with a heavy Shoyru here," Sage called.

Downstairs in the Grand Hall, Leah, Dragon, and Jake rushed to the front doors to see what the problem was. They gave bewildered stares at the scene in front of them. The Neopian Times delivery truck had arrived, and so had the newspapers. All 2,380 of them were cheesinated.

Leah and Dragon stared, horrified. Tdyans was smashing her head against a wall in a repeating rhythm.

When Sage finally carried Nano downstairs, Tdyans gave the delirious Shoyru a deadly glare. "Nano," she called demandingly.

"She won't answer you," Sage noted. "She's been superglued to me since six in the morning."

"Since six?" Leah asked. "Then that means she couldn't possibly have done this."

"Hey, you're right," Dragon agreed.

Tdyans calmed down some. "Then you're sure it wasn't her?"

"Positive," Sage groaned.

Tdyans pinched the bridge of her nose. "Okay, it's Christmas, so I won't stress too much over this. I'll continue investigation of all other suspects for tomorrow." She rubbed her head as she waltzed back into her office.

"So who do you guys think it is?" Sage asked.

"I...really don't know," Leah sighed. She trotted to the entrance of the house.

"Where are you headed off to?" Dragon questioned.

"I need to pick something up for Kathy."

¡-!

"Mom! What are you doing here?" Velria gasped.

The now human Leah was standing in the doorway of her pets' NeoLodge room. They were spending the Christmas holiday at the five-star hotel, since their house blew up faster than NTAG.

Which is pretty freaking fast.

"I just decided to visit you guys on my way to Kauvara's shop."

"Why do you need to go there?" Kougai asked, gnawing on a popsicle.

"The Cheesinator's back."

All three of her pets perked up.

"Nano built another one, did she?" Veltru said almost amusingly.

"Well, that's the problem. Everyone used to think she was the one behind all the random cheesinations around the guild. But she superglued herself to Sage this morning, and she got delirious from sniffing all the glue right as the cheesinated NT issues were found. Now all bets are off," Leah sighed. "I don't know what to do."

"So why are you going to Kauvara?"

"I need to get a potion to de-cheesinate Kathy's tiger."

"But I thought the Cheesinator couldn't affect living creatures," Velria recalled.

"The original didn't, but this new one has all these extra installations. Which makes it all the more baffling. The new Cheesinator should be larger, because of those extra components, right?"

"I would imagine so," Veltru nodded.

"But then how could one person carry it?" Leah asked, sitting down on one of the recliners.

"You've got a point," Kougai admitted.

"What about the others?" Veltru asked. "Surely you must have some suspects."

Leah thought about this for a bit and grabbed a pen and notepad from one of the side tables. "Well, currently in the house there's me, Dragon, Sage, Mashy, Nut, Belle, Chris, Moofi, Nano, Luau, Plankton, Slamina, Tdyans, Kathy, Nimras and Jake."

"It's a start," Veltru cackled.

"Well, Belle and Nut are out, because I was wrapping presents with them when the second cheesination was taking place," Leah stated, scribbling out their names. "We know it's not Nano, and I doubt Dragon would cheesinate the Wii for her life. Tdyans went through you-know-where to get that tree, and Kathy had a mental breakdown when Ember was found. Chris and Moofi are her closest friends, so I doubt they had anything to do with it."

"Who does that leave?" Velria asked.

"Sage, Luau, Plankton, Slamina, Nimras, and Jake."

"Well, six is better than twenty," said Kougai.

"True," Leah agreed, folding the paper and putting it in her back pocket. "I have to go now. Enjoy the rest of your day, guys."

"Bye mom," Velria said, giving her a kiss on the cheek. "I'll try to stop Veltru from eating the gingerbread house," she whispered.

Leah snickered and waved goodbye.

She then left the NeoLodge and made her way to Kauvara's potion shop. There weren't a lot of restockers there like there usually was, mostly due to the fact of it being Christmas. Kauvara sported a traditional Santa hat.

"Kauvara!" Leah greeted.

"Oh, hey, Leah," Kauvara grinned. "What do you need today?"

"Do you have any of those reversion potions?"

"Oh, looks like you got the last one. But it's not a very cheap potion."

"I know," Leah sighed. "Whatever it is, I can cover it."

"Alright," Kauvara said. "I'll ring it up for you."

With the potion bought, Leah returned to NTAG and stepped into the Grand Hall. As she closed the large double-doors behind her, she spotted the OK Sisters singing Christmas Carols. "Hey, Luau," she called.

The group stopped and turned to Leah. "Yeah?"

"Could you take this to Kathy?" Leah handed her the potion.

"Sure thing," Luau grinned, floating upstairs.

"And Belle," Leah addressed. "Have you seen Sage?"

"No," she responded. "He disappeared after he detached himself from Nano."

Leah raised an eyebrow. "What about those fudge cake wrappers behind you?"

Belle and Nut turned around and noticed a distinct trail of wrappers leading upstairs and through the right hallway. "Oh."

They followed each wrapper, one by one, up the stairs. As they reached the top, they saw that a group of NTAGers had formed on the balcony.

"What are you guys doing here?"

Moofi turned to Leah. "A bunch of our stuff has gone missing. It seems the crook behind all this isn't satisfied with just cheesinating everything."

Leah nodded idly and flew up to a higher level. "Hey everyone!" she called out. "Follow me." She gave Belle a nod and continued following the fudge cake wrappers.

After searching around for half an hour, the small army of NTAGers found where the trail stopped – in front of the attic door.

"You guys ready?" Leah asked.

Everyone gave her nods and silent responses.

"Okay." Leah kicked open the door to the attic and stuck her head inside, as her friends peered in behind her.

"Sage?"

The hoodie-clad human was smack dab in the middle of cheesinated versions of all the missing items people had lost. He raised his attention to the opened door, a surprised look on his face.

"SAGE!"

"This isn't what it looks like, honest!" Sage cried.

"YOU cheesinated the Wii!" Dragon roared.

"I can explain!"

"And my coat!" Moofi growled.

Belle floated over to Sage's area and turned to the angry mob. "Okay, I have an easy way of settling this. All in favor of Sage being punished right here and now say I!"

"I!" They all said in unison.

"Not I..." Sage whimpered.

"Majority rule," Belle grinned, placing her glowing hand on his shoulder. The magic quickly transformed him into a...Belle Doll.

"I hate you all," Sage grumbled, shaking his head at the cheering NTAGers.

* * *

Nano sat quietly in the empty kitchen, eating a grilled cheese sandwich and some weird cheese concoction that she called a drink. There was only the sound of her munching on the sandwich, sitting in the dimly lit room.

Leah trotted in from the Grand Hall and flew up onto the table. "So...we found out who did it."

Nano looked over at her small friend and raised her eyebrows. "Really?"

"Turns out it was Sage."

"But...wasn't he glued to me...?"

"He did it while you were in that weird glue trance."

Nano stopped looked off to a corner of the room. "Wow. Why did he do it?"

"Revenge for all the months of abuse, I suppose. We never found the Cheesinator 2, but Tdyans says it should all be under control now that Sage has been punished."

Nano nodded, engulfing her glass of cheese. "What happened to him?"

Leah gave a laugh. "You'll see. You wanna go back to the Grand Hall?"

"Sure," Nano beamed.

The two trudged back to the Grand Hall, where Plankton was apparently creating a huge bonfire out of various furniture.

"You liar," scorned Nut, crossing her arms.

Plankton gave her a smirk as she pulled the candles of the Menorah away from the burning furniture. "No, see, this is the furniture from the kitchen, not the lounge. It's not my fault I'm a whiz at finding loopholes."

As the weary sun retreated back into the horizon, NTAGers from around the house entered the Grand Hall and sat around the bonfire, taking in the heat that made the dimly lit space radiate. The OK sisters hummed a few hymns, the admin passed around muffins, and Momma Jabu-Jabu did his best not to eat his daughter. It might have been an oddly normal thing for NTAG to do, but for once in the 365 days prior, everything seemed at peace.

Leah sat between Nano and Dragonfly, staring blankly at the roaring fire. After some deep thought, she asked, "Where's Moofi?"

Nano looked down at the Weewoo. "She'll be here soon. She said she just had to clean a few things up first."

Still gazing into the red fire, Leah lowered her head. She bounced herself to her feet and began walking to the stairs.

"She'll be here soon. You don't have to go find her," Dragonfly called after her.

"I know," Leah grunted, flying upstairs.

In the dark hallways of the top floor, Leah trotted around silently, sneaking up behind a certain Aisha. "Moofi."

Moofi flinched out of surprise and whirled around. "Leah! Whoa, I didn't see you there."

"I finally think I figured out this whole mess."

Moofi raised a worried eyebrow. "Really?"

"It was you."

The Aisha's eyes widened to the point where they were visible. "What?"

"I think you rebuilt the Cheesinator using my missing raygun. I think you lied to Nut about Nano's 'April Fool's in December' tricks. It was just a ploy to raise suspicion when the Christmas tree that you cheesinated was found. You made a series of cheesinations, making sure Nano was alone so that she would have no defense. The setup seemed to have fallen apart after she superglued herself to Sage. Then it was only a matter of pinning it on someone else. Sage had a vengeful motive and had been glued to Nano while she was delirious, so he was the perfect someone. A simple setup in the attic, and the pieces just came together. All there was left to do was sit back and watch Sage get punished," Leah concluded, giving Moofi a stern look.

The shocked NTAGer stared at Leah for a good few seconds, taking in everything that was said to her. She had bluffed a bit, but the look Moofi gave her told her everything she needed to know. The Aisha blinked a few times and smiled mischievously down at Leah. "That was quite a mystery you solved." She took a step forward, kneeled down to Leah, and whispered, "But you don't _really_ want to turn Sage back, now that he's a Belle Doll again, do you?"

Leah stared back at her friend, her eyebrows a little more relaxed. She hid her eyes back under her shades. "Touché."

Moofi beamed at the Weewoo. "Then I think you agree that a detective shouldn't go off and spoil a magician's secrets, am I right?"

Leah took longer to answer this. She hated having the tables turn on her, but Moofi held a strong point. How many chances do you ever get to see Sage as a Belle Doll? "I suppose … it was for a good cause, after all," she thought out loud, letting a soft smile creep onto her beak.

Moofi stood back up, throwing away the last of her fudge cake wrappers. "Shall we go, then?"

Leah smirked. "Only if you give me the Cheesinator. And remove the component that allows the cheesination of living things."

"You strike a hard bargain," said Moofi. "But alright. She's all yours."

The two walked along the dark hallway and stepped out to the banister, looking over the glowing tree and the ring of NTAGers.

"So, where was your coat actually?"

"Psh, in my closet."

"Heheh."

After returning to the Grand Hall, they joined the rest of the circle. Occasionally, when Sage had his back turned, they would point and snicker. Then other times, they would point and snicker when he was looking right at them. But no matter what they knew that the other's didn't, they had the exact same warm feeling in their hearts that could only be achieved from witnessing Sage as a plushie wearing a two-piece suit.

Merry Christmas indeed.

_And before Chris finished putting_

_The last balloon up for their pomp_

_He cried, "Happy non-specific, non-denominational, end of December period to all,_

_And to all a good glomp._

**The End**

_Author's Note: This is likely the last chapter of AoN. As a parting gesture, I'd like to thank every single member of NTAG that made this time in the guild's history so special. It really was a blast._

_~ Leah_


End file.
